The tower

If I build a tower,
with one door,
and no windows.
Would you know I
was ever there?

Hard cement
blocks,
as high as a mountain.

No kindness,
no love,
just a cold empty tower.

A tower to
withstand  a lifetime
of events,
a tower to last
the present and the past.

Alone I wonder its halls,
remembering,
what it must have felt like
to be open to all
to come in and out and visit.
Wondering what it must have felt like to have
the sun kiss your skin.
Now the darkness has come
and my fate has been sealed.
I am but a tower.

I love you

I love you,
the way you smell,
the way you taste,
the way you purse your thinly, shaped lips.

I love you when you think of me,
for me when I am not thinking of me,
but ........

I love you for
showing me how much bullshit there
is in life,
leftovers,
hangovers,
anger,
frustration,
and rejection.

Lie to me for love,
speak to me for love,
but I love you.

Now for the sake of love,
let me be me, in me with me.
Alone in the early morning,
alone in the day, and alone in the evening.

Let me wallow in my own
self pity for giving up,
For throwing up,
for just being a fool,
to love you back.

It was never going to be
what you said,
because your words have
been hollow,
a game of how stupid
and foolish you could make me
look in front of everyone.

I love you for the brutal honesty,
feeding me sweet life's, filled with
honey at first and then nutra sweet in the end.
Too much false sweetener will bore
holes in your brain and then.....
YOU DIE.

I love you for
just being you,
Thank you for all
the time you have invested.
I love you for
everything....

Cowards

A man or  woman can compromise
agree to things that go against
the matters of their heart.
All for love,
but is it really love?

A coward, can be
a man or a woman,
who think they are compromising.
They won't kill anything but
they won't let it live either.

What does this have to do with love...?
Everything.
When you love someone,
you don't leave them feeling empty,
wanting something they can never have.
When you love someone you
don't pick at the open wound,
and give them salt as medicine.
Sure it helps it heal,
but in a more so cured meat kinda
way.
Tough, and salty

The next person will
get the beef jerky of life you left
behind.

I resolve
that I refuse to be a coward.
I will not pick at the bones of
left overs, that are not really left overs.
I don't want the empty hang over,
hang ups, push ups of what
was or should have been.

I want what is there for me
when it time for me,
and its mine in the
proper condition.
It can't be angry,
it can't be regretful,
it can't be resentful,
and it can't be unthoughtful.

I guess I can say I have been
a coward one or twice in my
life.
But today I want
to be me....
filled with love to give to the right person,
honest enough to say when I can't be right,
loving enough to love without conditions,
beautiful enough to open my eyes to the sunrise, and
lay at night to the sun set.
Today,
is new
and I will live
each day in the new.
I can't live in the past,

I have subcomb to my defeat,
I can't give more than I have,
I can't be who I am not,
I can't love a faker.

I have loved,
lost, and loved again.
I accept my defeat.
I don't want to walk on this trail again.
The tree's are ugly,
grey and delapatated,
they look like pet moss. Grey,
I want the trail that is green and alive.
I want the trail with the beautiful birds,
singing and dashing in front of me.
I want the trail thats new.

Its time for a new adventure.
I want so much and get nothing.
I keep picking up the rocks that are good for
nothing but throwing.
You know there are nice rocks.
You can find on cool trails.
Maybe I am making it up, maybe
all the rocks are the same its just how you look at them.

I really need a new adveture.

Ramblings of a Lunitic

The simple ramblings of a lunatic,
bet you didn't know I was never
stable. Never able to be who I said I was.
Or what if I was able to be the person I said I was.
I can't believe me sometimes.

Once I danced on tables,
no I was not a go go dancer,
I just like to dance.
 I don't have rhythm,
I am not talented,
but I like to dance.

I would love to dance,
with someone who would just dance,
and enjoy the music.
In that very moment.
When nothing in the world
mattered but the dance.

The music can stop and I
will still dance because its all in my  head.
The beautiful colors swirling around me,
and me swirling in the colors.

I can become one of the objects,
no more of this or that,
here or there, just a color,
swirling.

Someone asked me for a lifetime today,
and I can't be a lifetime,
I can't be a halftime most days.

I am sorry but I can't,
I am not , I can only be here in this
dance without music,
pretending to feel a rhythm that does
not exist. Not in my lifetime.

Because I am afraid,
I am not real, I am like your shadow,
I only come out during the daylight.
I am a reflection, but I am sick by the my
deceit.

I have deceived you,
and you are harmed by my actions.
I am so wrong for this.

I pray that God stops me soon.
Or I will leave this space and go to the dark
place that most people pray not to go.
Is life really worth the living or is it worth
the end....
What if it is not what we really think, and
we have thought of nothing that is comprehensive.
We delude ourselves, we believe in God be cause "what if".
and "What if " there is no man that calls himself God,
what if a man made it up to control our feelings about
guilt and regret.

What if its really to make us feel,
and feel where we are in our current moment,
What if it has never been real.....

The things you should know about me

The things you don't know.
About me....
Sometimes I go through things.
Things that are hard, easy, kind, angry,
Sometimes I cry, it could be a good read, it could be a commercial,
it could be a friend talking to me for me about.
But I cry for them, me, and anyone who needs a tear.
Sometimes, I don't listen,
well most of the time.
Sometimes I don't care,
about things, places, and situations.
Because it overwhelms me.

Most times,
I like being alone in me, with me...
I tend to be selfish.
When I am with you, I am with you.
You are the moment I am in....
Things you should know about me...

Most times,
moments fleet away from me,
and become my past as quickly as they are
in this moment.
I don't want entertainment.
I can watch the news for that.

I like to watch
the lovers in parks touch each other.
I don't envy them, because I don't know them,
but I think its cool that two people can give more of
them than they have to give.

Sometimes I am so lonely,
I know it will be the end of my life and I will
know I have never been alone.

Sometimes, I am in darkness,
I can't handle the here and now,
I don't want to get up, comb my hair, dress, or eat.

Sometimes I wish somebody knew these things about me.....
I thought you should know.
But really
I don't think anybody is listening.
If they were, they would know suffering,
they would know the costume I wear.

I guess I can say
you don't know me....
Sometimes I can be mean.
Shit happens

Its all Relevant

I am going to
get on a boat and go far away,
I can't live in the shadow of a lie.
I will not lie to myself.
No matter what you say,
or what you do, I can't.

Love is a beautiful thing.
If its right.
With the right person,
in the right place at
the precise right time.
I won't watch you from
the shadow but I do see
with my eyes.
Its all relevant.....


I am gong to hop on a train,
and ride to places I have seen
before. Watch the people that I have
seen before and wonder.
Is it real for them...
Who is the fool with
the jester hat... Nope its
not me.
The people I watch;
Do they really feel?
or do they pretend?

Or have they been broken
in a way that were recovery is imposable.

I am going to sit on a hill,
and contemplate my life and my love.
Decide if here and right now is what I want.

I will tell you when I get there......
Its all relevant.

I like to talk but
not always with my mouth.
I like to listen but not always
to the words.
I like to dance, but sometimes
without the music.
Its all relevant.

The tango is my favorite,
pushing and flowing, flowing and pushing.
Desire, and frustration.
Love ....
Its all Relevant

Binding

Bound at my heart,
waiting for you come over to see me,
waiting for you to call me.
I won't cheat, I am frozen in
a moment of time.
Waiting on you.

Binding on my hands and feet,
I  feel the taught
wrappings.
I can't become small
I am bound.
To you....
How long?

Binding can be for a lifetime,
binding can be a punishment,
but right now It feels so good
and hurts so bad.

I lay down at night with you
on my mind,
my dreams are filled will
sexual fantasies of you.
Touching me, with your soft hands:
kissing me, with your perfect lips:
loving me....
I am tormented.
I would have never told you,
I could have settled for your friendship.
I would have just been bound to you,
intertwined like silk in majestic purple.

If you knew what I go through,
would you want me bound?
I don't feel I would bind you,
I would leave it as it is and just love you....
Its too late to go backward.
I can only go forward.
Bound

The message in the bottle

Lay with me,
in the warmth,
in the welcoming,
in the wetness.

Be in me and with me,
and me alone with you.
Let me feel your softness,
next to me, wrapped in me.

I have to slow down,
I don't know how long,
today before the alarm goes off and
you have to leave.
Sometimes I get a few hours,
sometimes I get 30 minutes, but
I have to be in the moment of us.
It goes by so fast.

I know this is only for a short while,
in that nothing is what it appears.
Today I am willing,
but my heart fights with my rational mind.
Telling me not to do this to myself.

Me precision,
You belong to know one....
The message is in the bottle,
today it has landed on my lonely beach.
One million miles from nowhere.
But the sun is smiling on me.....
Warm and kind.

I am like the homeless man
on the side of the freeway when
it comes to you. Hungry and cold.
You toss meager morsels to me...
and you drive on.

One day,
you will belong to someone,
just depends what beach the bottle lands on,
maybe it will crack and the message will end.

Silky Cream Carmel

Silky caramel cream,
indulge me,
seduce me,
let me taste you,
just  a little at first,
then some more....

Delight me with
the pleasure of your moments.
Give me what I seek in return.
Don't fill me with  empty promise, but
tell the truth.

I can never be angry with you for the truth,
I am a forgiving soul.

My love is but a secret,
known to know one but you, "NOW".
Holding it close to my heart,
breathing in your fragrance on my pillow.

Hemingway reminds us "Imagine if a man must kill the
moon daily, the moon runs away, but imagine if a man
must each day should try and kill the Sun? We were born lucky"
This  as love is....

Daily should you try to kill the sun,
you were born lucky.
As love is the light that leads you.
It will free you and open your heart.

Silky cream caramel,
I delight in you.
As the sun is with love....

Just for the season

Love me,
I will love you back.
If you would but trust me;
just a little with loving you.
It will be so sweet.
Like fresh sticky honey.
Smoke stinging my eyes,
tears streaming from my eyes
down my cheeks...
Salt.....
Your taste.....
I am not crying, I am making a
way to your sweetness.
Angry bee's gently evacuating
their hive: giving way to the
sweet.... fragrance of you.

I want to rub
sweet sticky to your skin. 
My mouth ravishing in your sweetness.
Lips fragrant with your smell;
fresh honey, sweet to the taste.

Touch me,
caress me with your soft breath.
Down the nape of my neck, sending a chill down the
front of my breast..
I will reciprocate.
Lavishing you with the soft strokes of my
moist wet lips.
Kissing the intimate parts of you.

Just love me....
I can love you back.
Give me your sweet sighs of ecstasy
in the early morning,
intensity...
I need something,
more than the same mundae daily.
I need something more.

I will ask you but once,
I am not use to begging,
but I will ask....
Whats the diffrence between begging
and asking?
They really are the same, its just the
position and tone.
Both have a question mark on the end.

Do you really want me on my knees,
with a question mark on the end.

Be merciful,
open,
and kind.
If you will lead i will follow, and if you
let me lead, be present.....
in this moment of you
and I loving and being allowed to love.
Even if its just for this season......

To know me

To know me is,
to see my outer vessel,
that is soft and appeasing to the human eye.
To really know me is to meet,
the soft and supple inner parts.
To know what makes me laugh,
when laughter shouldn't be an option.
To know what makes me cry when crying is
all that is left.
To taste the richness of
the food I make, to please the senses.

To know me,
is to get beyond my shadow,
cast on the ground for all to stand on.
My shadow, wants to take center stage.
Look at the fine streaks of grey,
touch the soft tender skin,
message my muscles and know me...
know what hurts me and how I carry my  hurt.
Know what makes me love, and I will love you.
Open me up to your wisdom and I will share mine with you.

Obscure tid bits of information
stored for just the right person....
To know me

Waiting

Electric Aurora, in Azule
wind blowing,
I can't capture you in a bottle.

Crimson, crisp heart
Ice burg solid,
more than one mile high,
and as vast as a solstice.

Wanting,
waiting,
not willing to plead,
El nino will come....
melting you away daily.
Softening your edges.

There is no such
thing as global warming,
not when it comes to you...
Even scientist are changing their views.....

I am on an ocean liner,
you : picturess,
pristine and beautiful.
Me, with my trusty camera.

I am waiting for my moment
to capture the perfect moment.
No polar bears...
White wolves.
Just frigid cold.

Me wrapped in my fur....
Waiting,
Waiting for you to
warm.......

My Friend

Thank you my friend,
You came to me when
I was ill.
you Stood next to my bed,
stroked my hair softly.
You kiss my forehead and
prayed for me.
You cried for me
and asked me not to leave.
Not yet at least.
You suggested I had something
to do.
You asked me to come back.

I thank you for thinking of me.

Will anyone come when I fall.
When my time comes,
will anyone notice me missing.
Would anyone call for help for me,
search for me.
My Friend will......

I am like a shadow,
present when the sun shines
and dark when the moon glows.

I lie to myself and tell me
when my time will come but
I am not God, and he will send me
back......
But I thank you for being there next to my
bed, I thank you for being my friend.
I thank you for caring and wondering what
has happened to me when the rest of the world
never even noticed me.

Thank you
my Friend.

The Dark Market

Last night,
I dreamed a dream of
magnificent porportions.
It was a dream of a man.
Working in a dark market,
no the market was not black,
the market was dark.
There were canopy hanging overhead,
and dim lights were lit.
I watched as women purchased souls.
Souls of men willing to come with them, 
and canning souls of men who refused.

Crimson, jars....
filled with the hearts of the faint.
Baskets of deep red apples,
all of this occured in the dark market.

Last night,
I felt the hollow ache of pain.
In my soul, manifest in my shoulder.
It wakes me like a man wanting pleasure passionately.
But there is pain associated with this waking.
I think in the wee hours of the early
morning. Why can't i just cut it off and be done
with my pain.
Its my reminder that if I don't look at what is
real, reality will come to me and I will feel it.

I pray God, will you not heal me
of my affliction.
My words fall on his heart and he
forces me to evaluate me.
My suffering will not stop until I say it....
Not until I speak the words he wants me to say.
No, he does not want me to ask for forgiveness,
no he does not want me to repent.
He wants me to say it out loud.

He wants me to openly acknowledge,
that I want to be loved and love is for me.
There I have said it,
I want to be loved and love is for me.
I want to breath the smell of fresh flowers in the spring time.
I want to leave the dark market of mens souls, and
harbor no jars of crimson hearts.

I pray God that he gives me this
before my days are far gone and I
have nothing left to give that is good.
I pray God that I do not turn from the sun,
and seek the heart of stone, that some gather close.
Holding on to that anger.
hating, all for not loving  but more
than anything for not being able to love ....

Soft and supple,
working the skin,
not like a leather bag,
this has not set too long in the sun.....
kiss me..
make it last forever....
I will follow if you but lead.....
all the things I pray god for,
if he will just remove me from the dark
market.

If he will just remove my pain.....

I don't love you but....

I don't love you
but I know I can.
Its not hard.
You,
Soft,
tender on the inside,
beautiful.
Kind.

Teach me to love you.
Teach me how you want to be held.
Teach me how you want to be caressed.
I don't love you
but I know I can.

I miss your warm arms,
holding, me.
I miss your soft lips,
kissing me.
Its like it was all a dream.
Nothing is real.
I lied to myself saying
what I don't want.

Today,
the sun beams into my eyes.
Reflecting all the things I said
I didn't want.

I want.
I want it all,
I want joy,
I want love,
I want tenderness.
Understand me,
be kind to me.

Hopeless,
I know it will come one day,
its just not today.

I want you to be
all that you can be.

Let me feed you,
make you a meal.
Of red rose petals,
floating in a soft body of water.
warm soft candles.
I don't love you but
you can teach me.

It just has to be right.
No secrets.
No darkness,
everything has to be done in the light.
I can't have goodness if I am doing wrong.

I am sorry,
I can't but I know I will.
Eventually,
it will come and be beautiful.

I won't have to learn.
I don't love you but.
Teach me how?

Nature knows when

I often feel like a carrot,
deep in the cold fresh
dirt. Cold, but warm,
seeking a home.

Bitter sweet tears choking
me, like morning dew.
taste is fresh,
smelling like the newness
of life, another day.....

Crisp,
like the sun meeting the day,
crackling fire, in the night.

Rolling my body
in its nakedness, in the
freshness.

Red vine ripe
tomatoes,
hanging, not yet
ready to be removed
from its vine, but almost.
Don't take them prematurely,
but don't take them to late
as they will spoil.
Nature knows when its right.

Nature knows when its right.

God I have questions?

Empty house,
Red, Orange,
Yellow, Green,
Blue, Indigo, Violet,
A rainbow in every room.

Sun shining,
brightly lit,
no curtains
to hide the contents.

I dance in the sun light,
no music,
no people,
just free....
Warmth fills me.

I know there is God,
I have questions,
would he speak to me?

Condemned to my solatude.
Why try,
Who am I,
Where am I going,
What's this purpose,
to run the race swiftly,
to get the most toys,
to go the most places,
God I have questions?
To help the most people,
They DON'T want help.

Something has changed,
freedom is really not freedome,
and the colors suggest
there are no colors,
COLOR BLINDNESS.

I have walked away,
into the abiss,
floating,
gliding, fillng my lungs
with the cold water.
God I have questions?

Forgiveness,
for what. I have done
nothing but been here.
Denial, for the nothing,
denial for being here,
denial for what ever else
presents.
God I have questions?

Why won't you talk to me,
you talk to everyone else.
Am I really the Devil,
or am I really just standing
in the sunlight, dancing as the
sun kisses my body.

I will know what it means

This morning I woke up,
feeling,
I can feel the cold crisp morning air,
I can feel the warmth under my blanket.
I can feel my soft hands on my stomach.
I can feel.

I can see that
everything is blurry,
without my glasses.

I can smell my sweet night fragrance,
I sprayed on after my nigh time shower,
I can smell morning.

This morning I woke up feeling.

I can remember what
it felt like love,
I can remember what it feels like to
not know love.
I can remember what its like
to know love has been gone from me
for so long that I forgot how to love.

One day my spirit will
open up when the right person comes.
The person will have the key,
and they will insert it into the
latch and my spirit, will
be free.

It will be like a hawk
searching for its prey,
that cannot escape.
But my prey will want to be
captured.
It will suspend itself in my embrace
and I will lay my head down,
on the soft forest ground that is wet and inviting.
My wings will loose flight.
I will have no reason to search,
as it will come to me.
I will know what it means to love again.

It just will not be like anything
I have ever experienced before.

Dying Today

Today she talked with me about dying.
She has ignored me my lifetime.
She walked up and smiled,
dimples,
hair grey,
wrinkled face....

Its been my lifetime.
So beautiful in youth,
black flowing hair,
dark eyes, sparklies,
beautiful,
but dangerous.

Today,
2 years of silence,
she walked up and said.
I am dying.
All I could think;
Everyone is dying.
Dying to live, and living
to die.

I think 2 years ago,
I would have broken down
and cried,
cried for her,
cried for me,
I would have been angry for all the time I did not get,
all the love I felt cheated of,
all the consideration, and even a kind words.
I would have fallen down and cried like a baby.
I am resolved.
I love my piece and quiet.
I love my life, alone ....
I love me....

Today,
I stand ,
I no longer need to cower in a corner.
I am no longer a coward.
I know what it feels like to love, hopelessly,giddy...
I know what it feels like to feel joy, heart exploding, crying and laughing....
I know what it feels like to smell the newness
of life. Fresh like morning dew.....
I know what it feels like.

I know what it feels like for it to hurt so bad. My body
aching, calling for someone to take me out of the pain.
I can.t breath in our out.
Every song happy or sad makes me cry, because I know
they are talking to me.
Taking showers two, sometimes three times per day,
to cry and hide the tears. No its the hot water. I got soap in my eyes.
I know what it feels like to feel pain.
Physical, and emotional.
Jaw fractured, broken finger, back dislodged, purple, blue black bruises.
I don't have a husband,
Nobody to save me....
Toiling in my suffering for what feels like
a lifetime.
I know what it feels like...

I know what it feels like to be humiliated,
the joke was on me, he wanted to be with her and you
never noticed. No explanation, just sign on the line.
Its over....

I know what it feels like to be abandoned,
tossed out like yesterdays trash.
I know what it feels like,
to want forgive and to be forgiven.
I know what it feels like to live with my mistakes,
and I know what it feels like
to NEVER BE LOVED....

Today when she told me she would be dead in
3 months.
I did not flinch.
I did not tear up.
I just listened to her words and held
them. Suspended in the air..
I did not sigh,
I did not say a word.
I was holding my breath.

Lets go for a ride.
we talked, about her desires,
her mistakes, her missed opportunities, and
my knowledge that you can't be a child growing up
with your children.
You can't be a child making the same child mistakes
and never accomplishing what you wanted for yourself.
You are angry with me for doing what I wanted.
For my losses,
for my not listening to you..
For you not saving me from myself.
I will be a woman alone,
for the rest of my life.
But I am not mad.
I am so content with were I am.
Its really OK.

I am sorry,
you are not happy with what you
received in your life.
But something has to have been good for you.
You can't have regrets now.
You can't say you don't want to leave.
You lived the way you wanted to.

You say she acts like you.
Silly,
Stubborn,
Beautiful...
Not wanting anything.
I see it, but I can't change it.
You are leaving now, and
I am not sad.
You can't save her no more than you
could save yourself.
Should you give her words to change her path.
Would she even see them.

She told me she was dying today.

I AM STILL TALKING

I am still talking;
Today,
she came to visit me.
Wearing her white chiffon dress, and a hat.
Today she was out of character, in that it
feels like autumn.
I noticed she was holding
close to her chest a perfectly sharp object.

She invited me to tea,
of course there was no sweetener on the table.
Just the pale blue dishes, with perfect red and blue flowers.
The table cloth was white, and starched with cloth napkins in CRANBERRY.
White gardenias in a little dish with water.
They smelled so fresh, it made me
think of a beautiful autumn day,
in a cool place.
Wind blowing just soft enough
for me to smell them.

She only arrived because I
invited her.
I thought her up.

I know her all to well,
she came to me; once,
in what I thought
was a dream.

But when I opened my eyes, the room was cloudy and bright,
and the
police stood next to me.
This  is no dream.
Its against the law they said.
I agreed.
Only because I was too foggy to
say anything else.
Its against the law.
I couldn't speak, I was still in a stupor.

Confusion,
A Blur,
Woman standing over me,
elderly, SCREAMING....
So loud not audible.
I must have died, and this is hell....
Screaming, is it day time or  night.
There are no windows.
Just the pale walls of my insanity.
I don't understand,
Someone
are you awake?
You have to get up.
Confused, who and what are you....
the lights or off, and the curtain is pulled.
You have to get up.
You have to talk .
Throat sore, horse....
Can I make sound come out.
Words won't come.
I want some water.

Sitting in a circle of porceline
dolls in wooden chairs.
Their heads are broken in various places.
One has a hole in the top of her head.
Like someone gave her a crainyectomy,
One has her ear piece broken out.
One doll with blank eyes,
has a chip above her lip.
One is just a head she has no body.
dolls in all colors,
porcelain,
half dressed,
one has a shoe missing,
dirty hair,
dragged through the dirt, clothing dirty,
red heart shaped lips,
vacant eyes.
Look that one has an eye missing.
Its just a hole.
Soft body's when you turn them
they make a sound.
If I cut all their hair off will they
still say "Momma" when you turn them.
Will they still be porcelain baby dolls.
Not one of them is salvageable.
I didn't want them anyway.
I hate dolls.
They use to give me clowns,
collect them,
put the all around me.
They are pained,
faces white,
lots of color.
You know each clown has
a distinct face paint, and nobody else can use it.
I don't know who they are underneith that color.
The smile is painted on,
like jack in the box.
They scare the hell out of me....
Don't give me that.

My touch is like a ghost,
nobody feels me,
I am going through the motions.
If you feel me you better speak up now
or forever hold your piece.
Laughing inside deep billows.
The wind is blowing and there are no sails.
The boat will not move.
I am translucent, you see right through me.
I am no longer solid....

When she comes to visit me,
I think I will go with her.
If it makes me feel.
Something...
If she is willing to take me with her someplace.
maybe to India, Bali, or Brazil.
I can watch the beautiful people,
who know how to feel....
If she can value me, and not make me
feel the nothingness.

I think you will notice,
I don't think anyone will.
The world,
my world has gone silent.
This occurred a long time ago.

Guess she was really a dream, and my mind went on
a fantastic trip....
I am still talking.....
I really don't like the circus.

Delusions

Beautiful,
Sable Eyes,
Dark lashes, and brows.
Intense.

Deep, dark bitter sweet chocolate
man...

You know not were you
come from and today
you know less of were you are going.

Competent to go to college,
Afraid,
how many babies will it take
to fill the void.
Blame the girl...
It took two.
Love does not pay the bills.
You are living on borrowed time.
Hands outstretched, can I have, will you give....
Where is yours?
No just the babies.
They have to eat and they don't stay babies forever.
Deepening the wound.
I see your hidden pain,
at least you like to think its hidden.
You are that sweet boy of 3 alone in your
room, crying for your mother.
She never comes to console you.
To tell you monsters are a manifestation
of your imagination.
If you make it you can kill it.

Another drive by,
yellow tape,
blood on the ground.
This is the life "Oakland California".
Did it make sense?
fallen friend, or is it foe?
they have fallen.
A mother sobbing for her loss.
How many have you lost.
Is there something that I can change.
Is there something that they can change.
What will it take?
Standing next to the hole.
Thoughts, "why can't it be me".
Because the more you want it the less you will get it....
Tears, Sobs, sadness.
I want something different,
but I do not know what I want.

Opportunity is passing you by.
You sit on the stoop and watch.
Put that smoke down,
wash your face,
put on clean clothes,
change something and
not just the channel.

I want to be a rapper,
make some money,
change my life.
Everyone wants to be a rapper,
make some money, and change their life.
You are still on the stoop.
Grandma, always said
trash is trash not matter whose yard its in.

Delusions of grandeur.
I have so much power.
The system is watching me.
They want to see what I am doing.
I am like some other unsung hero of the
rap game.
He did not have a full search and seizure.
Is that the day you became a man.
Or is that the day you realized you now have on
shackles. I hear them clinking with every step you make.

Conspiracy, my assss.......
you have the power to do what you like,
but you exercise no movement.
You locked yourself out, and you are
sitting in the yard being fed shit in the dark.
Are you growing....
What court gesture are you following today.
Does he wear the courts hat?

when you make no demands of yourself, you can make
no demands of your neighborhood.
Walk into a
store and watch a friend/foe steal an old
mans bike and you say nothing. What are you really changing?
Open your eyes...
You are equally part of the problem.
You have forgotten the golden rule.
"Do on to others" oh that does not count.
Someone stole your bike, and nobody said anything.
But the system is conspiring against you because you
have done.....
you will be....
I am.....

Delusions,
who are you,
what do you stand for,
stand for nothing and you fall
for everything.
do you know you are not standing.
You have fallen and you can't get up.
There are no helping hands reaching for you.
You have Youth,
You have ability....
It won't last forever.

You are crouching in a darkened
corner. Pretending to stand.

Pull up your pants.
It's not "whities fault".
Many people died to give you
the opportunity to be
DELUSIONAL.

They were eaten by dogs,
hung from tree's,
homes burned,
families murdered...
But you were given a right
to be a, "PERSON".
ACT LIKE ONE.....

Stop thinking that everyone
sees you, and make yourself known.
Speak out loud, with your mouth,
In words that we all can hear.

Silence

Fetal position,
naked in the dark
Cold.
Empty, and alone,
in a darkened world.
A place with no hope.
Children learn what they live.

Eyes closed,
I can see the hue of yellow,
before I get to the blankness.
Tears streaming .
I cry out and an Echo,
embraces me.
Is this real?

Today,
there is no substance induced
stupor. Today,
I can feel my life.

I know what it means
to live a life alone.
I know what it means to
want something different,
and I know I can't have something
different. At least not on
this day.

Does silence
make a man search his
inner person. Or does
lonliness make him fight it.
"I will do anything, for love".
Really,
Would I,
Can I,
if it removes this cold naked place.

I don't want help at least I don't think
so.
Wondering the halls of my slicence,
skin prickly,
I am naked.
Without clothing,
without knowedgle,
without expereince,
Really? I know I am naked.
I know I am cold.
If knowledge is really power,
than why am I not a King,
sitting on a throne,
living in a castle with everything.

I have sunk into the sea
of dispair. Finally excepting,
my own mortality.
Silence....

I am A Goddess

I am a Goddess,
I am not petite,
weighing 100lbs or less,
but I am a full
busted, full figured,
shapely Goddess.
I am soft and supple,
golden brown,
kissed by a honey bee,
sweet and natural.

I may not wear
Victoria Secret all the time,
and I don't need to buy
extra to fill my cups.
But I am real.
I wear Cotton seamless
Sometimes Victoria makes
items I wear. But I do wear
support to lift my girls,
which are 100% home grown,
Perky and happy, they are.
I am soft and supple,
and I don't need Revlon,
to fill my lips, cover my wrinkles,
lighten my eyes, lighten my hair,
take away my gray.
I don't cut off my eyebrows, to draw them
back on. I grow my lashes and no they don't need
to be longer.
To the Goddess that do,
keep on doing you, cuz you are also a Goddess.
I am a Goddess,
in all her glory.
I grow it,
I tend to it,
I water it,
I foster the confidence that comes with
it,
I am a Goddess.

I can make you a meal
that will fill you to your soul.
I can love you with all
that I have in me.
I am certain that I don't need
to be attached at the hip to you.
But I am with you.

I am a Goddess,
when you look into my eyes,
you feel me touch you.
When I kiss you,
you melt in my mouth,
I am your Goddess.
Love Me
Respect Me
Accept me for who I am

My lover

My lover,
Port to my soul mate,
your power is compatibility,
in the midst of dichotomy.
You enter as a whole new color scheme,
in my world, our world.
Can I read your mind,
to see everything you are going through.
I would be proud to find the reason why
you are alone and acting so cold.
How long have you been this way?


My lover,
ultimating,
rival,
tensions mounting,
lets negotiate,
acceptable trade off,
waiting for someone
to love me....
to love you...
to love us....

My lover,
let me negotiate,
our unique perspectives,
reflecting what each of us lack
for a balanced truce. A meeting place,
where we can love, and be loved intimately.

My lover,
when we are together,
I am euphoric, provacative, promiscuous.
filled with absolute joy,
giddy like its our first time.

My lover,
I concede mutual vested love,
incentive, action,
devotion, honor,
for your consideration.

My lover,
you, me, we, can only by the power of
self respect in reciprocal vulnerability,
consummate you, me the we.

My lover ,
lets cheat temptation,
lets not do the dance, in the red dress....
black pants.....
silk pajamas.....
naked...
arching our backs....
sweating,
wanting,
shallow looks, our eyes meet.
Lets cheat temptation.

My lover,
here at the impasse,
we, me, you still have a choice...
We, me, you, I still have our pride.

Seven Days 168 hours 10080 minutes from you

Its been seven days
168 hours,
and 10080 minutes
since our parting.

I have not slept,
been able to enjoy
food, or had a drink in
absolute joy.

You walked out on
me and went back from
where you came.

You didn't look back not once,
and I have fallen and can't get up.
I have no emergency response
button to push for help.

I don't have a panic button,
for God to come and give me
advise.

Its been 7 days
168 hours,
and 10080 minutes,
since you left.

I walk though the park
missing you holding my hand,
shielding me from the sun.
Reminding me to
wear sun screen, or I'll burn.
I miss you reminding me that
I won't live for ever and that I am
a mere mortal.
I miss you pulling me out of the rain.

I don't even own a rain coat.
I tossed it in the trash when it
got a hole in the back.
It lets water run down my back
and I stay cold.

Its been 7 days ,
168 Hours,
and 10080 Minutes,
since you left.

I think this too will pass,
but just not yet.....
I loved you so.
Did you really need to go?

Come Back

Come and dance with me,
listen to the afro cuban, salsa,
jazz, capture our souls and we dance.

Spinning, whirrling, laughing,
crying, screaming, yelling,
letting the dance capture us...

Falling to the ground,
in laughter and exhaustion.
I loved this place,
I loved as my friend.

I shealded my heart and yours,
from the storms that were coming.
Lightening boltz...
God was angry
and took you away from me.

Leaving me with just a memory of
who and what we shared.

I was your soul,
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
You out there,
and me in here.....

come back..
Dance with me....

Come and laugh with me.
Come and love with me.

All can be forgiven,
and we can start again.
If there is any opportunity..?

I can't remember

I can't remember,
what its like to love,
to really love.
To feel it,
to taste it,
to know its love and only for me.

I have lived in pretense for so long,
pretense is my reality.

I can't remember the taste of
honey, sweet, and wild.
Its been so long since sweetness, has
been in my mouth. That even I can't
find it.
Instead everything i eat tastes like dry
ashes. Dusty, and stale.

Its been so long since real kindness,
has entered my life. The kindness,
that someone, anyone just cares about me.
They notice my pain, not because I cry.
Because they can look into my deep sad eyes,
and know that I am dying.
I die to myself, for no other reason than
I can't find anything in my life that is real.

Real,
the tangible, touchable, honest enough to tell
the truth and allow me to my feelings. If my feelings are disappointment, or
despair, but they are mine and I am honored for feeling.
Its been so long....

I long to be held and loved by someone
who is not playing, dancing to music I can't hear.
I long to be touched by someone who is not touching me
to get their need met.
That someone who looks into my eyes, and tells me the sweet
nothing lies, that mean nothing when the lights are turned on.
Tell the truth....

It has been so long since,
you tell  me, how long has it been since you,
found yourself in my place....

Lets change it.

Self Destruction

Careening down,
into the pit,
wanting it all and having nothing.
Void of decision,
empty of accountability,
its her fault, its his fault,
but never mine.

Acting out,
eating too much,
drinking too much,
sexing too much.
Its my life I will do with it what I like.

Living dangerously,
driving drunk,
sky diving,
wanting to die but still
fighting to live.

Self Destruction

Can I ever forgive you

Can I ever forgive you,
you used me for gain.
Not money,
Not status,
but you used me.
Leaving wondering what
did I do to you that was so bad
that you couldn't even say you were OUT!

Can I ever forgive you for
being that person who presented like a
sheep in wolves clothing.
Creeping from around trees,
large eyes that prey on victims at night,
that gobble your limbs.

Can I ever forgive you that
all of my memories were
you were the nicest person
kind,
gentle,
and easy.
Now, you are the Beast....
Large ears, and you can't hear me.
Large eyes, to see only what you think you see.
Salivating, wanting, and yet you gained nothing.

Can I ever forgive you?

If I walked a million miles

If i walked a million miles in
your sandals,
would my feet be dirty.

Would my toes be blistered,
and angry red with festering,
boils.

If I walked a million miles,
would I be kinder,
speak only goodness,
and pleasantries to strangers.

If I walked a million miles,
in your sandals,
would I be critical, and angry.
Advising you on how to prescribe to
your life on your terms.
Would I cast the stones at the
glass house fracturing the windows.
Destroying the screens.

If I walked a million miles, in
your shoes, what can I contribute,
to your life, to entertain you, to
entertain me. Would it be a life time,
would it be a day, would it be an hour,
would it be minutes.

If I walked a million miles,
should I wear shoes, or should I wear
work boots to work on all the strangers I meet.
Should I sit and watch them and take in all
their secrets, record them to review and
learn something new.

If I walked a million miles,
would I still have legs?
Would they be like putty,
wobbly and weak from the million days.

If I walked a Million miles,
how would it feel?
Would I fell happy, and content,
or would the world look surreal.

If I walked a million miles?

The spensters and the whore

Long ago, the spinsters was planted,
she would wear long dresses, and live by the prescribed
rules, that were not rules at all.

The spinsters whore her hair up,
and was not pretentious,
secretly inside lived a raging
angry whore.
She would tear at the spinsters,
and have her do things that she
would not normally do.

Tucked away deep inside of her soul.
This woman lived, and breathed,
she ate and she loved,
she hated, and she fueled,
devouring all the things that the
kind spinsters would come across.

She robbed the spinsters,
of her mind, her thoughts,
her feelings, Goodness was abandoned.
Shrewed, lued, and angry.
Fist balled, and cursing,
drinking, smoking, and grabbing.

Careful of the words you use,
you can kill,
or be killed.

How different are you than the killer of one's soul.
The curser,
the taker,
the thief.
Robbing simple minds of goodness.
If you are so much better than throw the
first stone, but all of us will stand to be judged,
and the spinsters, and her whore, will bear their
judgment together.

When were the spinsters, and how have you become the whore.

The apology

Abscense of mind
missing that piece that connects me
to the space I am supposed to be grounded to,
Nobody noticed
I went missing,
been gone a long time.
Doing the same things
expecting different outcome.
Insanity,
so they say.
There are pills for that.
I am not on them.
Does that make me insane.

Since I gave you away,
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't eat anymore.
The physical injuries have,
all healed.
The emotional damage, 
has arrived.

Anger,
Frustration,
this is not what I wanted.
I also did not want
bruses that go from blue,black
to faded yellow.
I held you to my promise.
You belonged to me.
Physical injury is cannot be part of that
promise.

I made so many mistakes,
I hope one day
you will forgive me.
I apologize.

Skin

Skin,
covering my lonely,
covering my empty,
hiding my insecurities.
blocking out the hagging hore,
ageless.

No music to dance to,
days gone to never retrieve,
sunrise, and sun set,
play something I know,
something without words,
so I can make up the melody.
I am tone deaf,
melody to me is noise....
But its mine.

love has abandoned me,
left me chasing him.
craving him more than the air i breath.
He won't lay with me.
He won't caress me.
i am not what he wants.
pretense.

Rotten apples
worms crawl across the
surface, peeled back exposed skin.
No blood just the smell of decomposition.
The give of all of my fluids.
Bugs gorging in stages.
Fat and full
I will never come back.
will i be missed.

Arch your back

Sun kissed,
soft brown eyes,
roll an orange down the base of your back.
pulling you into me,
smothering the soft whimpers of your desire
Arch your back

Strong arms,
dimple, beautiful,
desire,on fire
Arch your back

i knew the moment i saw
you this would be our one and only
opportunity. We wouldn't see each other again
until next Autumn
Arch your back

We never said hello,
we never said goodbye,
by I new this was only a moment.
Arch your back.

My Friend

You,
Are my friend.
You can say you knew me when nobody
else knew.
The things I gave you to hold
were for safe keeping. As they would
be things I need in the afterlife.
When I am reincarnated, into a Caterpillar.
Green and Yellow inching up the tree.

You,
My friend, may never see me up close
and personal but you will see my picture and
say I knew her, when, and she was so ...Funny!

You,
M friend, saved my life today and you don't even
know it.
You stopped me from self imposed hell, and brimstone.
I opened and gave you all the contents of the box.
That was on today.
Today is already a dream, but tomorrow will be a memory.

Thank you for hearing me,
for being kind to me, for making me
feel important enough to talk with.
Thank you for encouraging me,
and allowing me to ask of you what ever I wanted to know.

Thank you

You my friend, may never hear my voice again,
or see me. But you have worked wonders for my soul.
Gave me inspiration, to live another day.
To accept the things I can't change.
You inspired me to want to write a love letter.

For you I am so grateful and thankful to God
to place people in my life that are my friend.

I can't live like this

I can't live a lie,
preying on the weakest of the weakest.
Angry with my fist balled up,
I want what I can't have.
I will never, have it, because
because of me.

I can't live this lie
the pain, I am empty,
and alone. A mason jar with no top.

I can only be your friend.
Never will i be able to reach out and touch you.
You are not allowed to touch me.
I am not what you think I am.
A Wo/MAN in clothing refelctive of gender.
Don't consider me as I am not worthy of you,
or us, or me or they or them.

I can't live like this,
alone on the mountain,
thick lush forest,
dense, knowbody can find me.
Perpetural victom of circumstance.
Break my bones,
bruse my face,
injury to all that meet me.

I can't live like this,
something has to give,
I will either give into, and let go of,
or just lay down and die.

What do I have to offer?
I can't put to words, but I can
paint you the picture.

Remember me when
dawn has erased away her beauty,
and the sun caresses the dew.
Remember me as a shadow, of
ultimate beauty and grandor, as I
am no man's jewl, I am only their curse.
Never to be cherished,
used and tossed into the ocean of
discontent. Stand proud when
you say you have conqured, you have been there.
At what expense.

Do you feel the emptyness...
regret, as your words have taken a lfe,
a soul.
You are free, and I
Can't live like this.

I need what I don't know I need

Grab me,
pull me close hard to your chest.
Sweet and supple nothingness,
fill it, with your alone man emotion.
Raw, and sweaty, hard and mean.
Reach down deep and mix with me.
Engulf the bitterness of woman,
the loneliness, of age,
and immerse into the depths of
you and I.

Can you be the him,
that can handle the job?
Are you an artist who will paint me
in crimson, and yellow.
Or are you the plumber with the vice grips,
that can unscrew even the tightest of pipes.
Maybe you are the carpenter with the tool belt,
hammer, nails, with lots of respect. Gonna Rough Frame her
make her ready for the restoration.

I need,
what? heck I don't know.

Grab on hold tight,
there is a storm brewing,
Catrina destroyed everything and
even right now there is a vacant lot.
With just a foundation.

Grab my ass and hold on tight....
cuz i need , heck what I don't know I need.

At least try

Dancing in the wind.
blowing,
feeling my face.
Grey clouds collecting,
around me, silence.

I can feel the electrisity,
the quiet before the storm.
There will be no fires this year.

Static electrisity,
hair standing on end.
Hold me close to you.
I am not afraid of storms.
Will you/can you be uncertain with me.

I/Me/you can't predict the nature of a storm.
Only God leads it.
Giving it power.
Your arms are they strong enough to hold
me. Burying my face in your chesst. Will you let me.
You smelling fragrant of spicy sweet.

I want you inside of me
longing for  you, I don't know you.
You even know less of me.

To strage or strangers to be with each other.
I am alone, you are sad. Can we meet halfway
between alone and sad.
Lets dance, sing, touch the sky,
lightening, let it strike, far enough to
excite both of us.

The dance is hard,
can we dance to the strorm,
or do we need the music.
Will we make the music.
Soft sighs of absolute.
You don't want to hurt me,
Not hard, no hair pulling.
Please......
Try......
It may free you from your self imposed
bondage.


I don't know love as she has moved out
from my house a long time ago.
She would be a welcome guest.
But I don't normally host company.

I am afraid of fires.
Am I willing for you?
Fire can be destsructive,
Fire can also be freeing,
teaching you to run between the
drops.

Ask me
I may tell,
At least try......
© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

One day her mind just blew up

Contemplating,
Thinking,
Wondering,
worrying,
Will it rain today,
Will the sun come out,
How will I pay this,
were will I live,
what will I do.
When will i love?
When will I be loved?
overwhelmed.

Pray,
Prey,
Eat,
Love,
never hate,
thoughts over and over in her mind
none making absolute.

desperate,
lonely,
living,
dying,

she cradles herself in a corner,
tears running down her face,
blurred vision,
repetition,
rocking,
humming,
Is there a path to come back.

The road is no longer visible,
anger,
confusion,
and one day her mind just blew up.

Alone, all alone,
with only yourself.....
and one day her mind just blew up....

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

My secret Perception

Secretly,
I cry deep down inside,
wanting all the emotional things,
I don't even know I have.
Secretly, wanting the things
I don't know how to have.

How do I feel,
what do i feel, when will
I know I feel.

Empty,
Unknowing,
and unwilling.

Leave me to my own...
Leave me to suffer in my silence.
Smiling without showing my teeth.
Smiles empty of feeling....

I just want to wonder,
through the forest of my mind.
Green and lush.
No people to talk to ,
just the animals.

Don't help me
I have not asked for help...
Let me drown,
sinking in the mire of what was my life.
I am not cutting,
I am not bleeding,
so you don't know how much it hurts.

Secretly,
I pretend to be O.K.

Secretly,
its not a secret until you tell someone.
If you have no friends.
Who is there to tell.

Perception

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

A brick

I think I was struck by a brink

Blood is dripping down my face,
down into the back of my
shirt. I can feel it, sticky,
its not sweat.
Have I been unconscious,
I am standing, with
a man/woman holding my hand.
Blurry, garbled mind;
"are you alright?",
is/are they speaking English.
Doing the same thing expecting
a different outcome.
Insanity, that's what he said.
Touch this,
see this,
this is real.
You are no super hero,
you have no cape,
and comic books are
just that COMIC, made to be a funny
a spoof....
What the Heck....
Really A brick
It fell from the sky?

Did it fall from the sky?
dazed and confused
was it really a brick

Was it reality,
in this space, where everything
is relevant.
Relevance, today, tomorrow,
next week, forever,
to whom, who, it , me , they
Whats real....?

Who am I
what am I trying to accomplish,
where am I going,
when will I know I am there,

All of this due to a
brick
a clump of clay
baked by the sun, in a stove,
hardened,
not designed with the
intent of harm,
of presenting reality,
A Brick

If this is what it takes
to live in your space...
I DON'T WANT IT
No thank you

My delusions are
far safer,
more fun
and with less expectation.
I didn't know I was
insane until you told me
until the brick fell

Bloody hand prints

Bloody hand prints,
covering the wall,
there was obviously a homicide
committed here.

oh, yes you did it. You are not conscious of the how.
A true investigator will find the truth, and you will
know you did it.

Are you guilty of murder.
It only takes a minute to
make someone invisible,
to make them feel inadequate.
To have them leave their bloody hand prints on the walls.

Do you have those bloody hand prints of your
old lover, friends, or foe's on your walls.
You have to use the blue light to see them since they
have been there for so long.
You have lost your ability to see them.
But I bet if you try you can see them.

Did you cut them down with your angry words.
filled with discontent, or hate.
Maybe you were no so vile.
You just cursed them and demanded them out of your sight.

Our words,
can wound, can injure, can kill,
we just don't know how powerful they are.

Our words can also, cure, heal and give hope.
They can be the beckon for the ship lost at sea,
they can be the grace that all of us are given.
Our words can be the hope when all is lost and there is
no presence of a search party.
Our words can be bigger than the bloody hand prints on
the wall.

Bloody hand prints on the wall
how many are in your space.

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

God

Where has my "God" gone,
the one I believed would
pull me in from the storm.

Walk with me as I walk through the desert,
hot sand, burning my feet.
I am not alone.

Where is my "God", man living,
to love me. To hold me. To kiss me.
Where has my "God" Gone.

Have I believed in the wrong "God".
Is there one I don't know about,
One that I have missed.

I was made in his image,
I desperate to follow his lead.
To search for him and him alone.

Where is my soul mate,
the one sent for me, sent about me,
to love and hold me, to cherish me,
to be my love....

God missed me,
God has no space for me,
God....
Come back to me...
Come back for me.....
Save me....

My deep brown eyes have turned
into sad pools of azule water,
muddy.

I need you,
I need to know you,
to hear your voice,
I need you to give  me a voice,
to give me a direction.

God
I know you hear me,
but do you even love me....?

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

I wish

I wish,

The air had a color,
so I could see when I breath in and out.
So I can know that I am really alive and
not living on a promise that air is air and its what
keeps me living.

I wish,
I could have that "ah ha", moment
when i know its real, its not nutra sweet,
you are you and I am I.
I wish,
I could feel, feel you touch,
my soul, inside, my body like a second skin.

I wish,
I could function in the world
or pretend to function like everyone else.
To give love and know love, and be love and want
love and not hunger. To not thirst for
that which should be free given to us all by God.

I wish my desert was not so vast,
and so deep that I am lost in the sand,
with no time, no water, no oasis to feed me
even if for a moment.

I wish the world
were a place that was loving and kind,
tired of hate and learning to give and receive.
I wish ....

Is there a "God" that is so real that he can remove the fear and the pain.

I wish....

I Think

Its so deep,
its to the  bone.
I can see the white meat.

I did not mean to do it this way,
this time, but it occurred.
I could say an accident.
Two cars crashing in an intersection
is an accident.
That's why you own insurance.

This music,
its so loud.
I don't know the words,
I can't recognize the melody.

I don't think I need help,
but I do recognize some of the steps

I can't,
I won't ,
be here again,
its far too hard.
Occupies too much of my time.

My mind my thoughts,

the air is on the white meat,
and it burns,
cut clean
no blood,

I can't stand,
my mind is foggy,

I know this dance

I think

Afraid

Dark Spaces with no light.
Shadows dancing on the wall.
Love with no bounds.
Living with no regret,
endless, breathless,
Afraid

I can't go backward, to my past,
but i can go forward to my future.
Hopeful, Grace, Love in a life with you...

No more alone moments,
Complete the words before i say them,
knowing, wanting, feeling.... Alive
Afraid

I won't let the fear stop me,
I want to be free,
to know that what God has given me is for me and me alone.
I open my hand to receive it,
I work for it,

Afraid.

I love to hate you and hate to love you

You were/are my bitter sweet, 

angry Dark Rich Chocolate, 

eating only a small bite, 

Words filled with frustration, 

I hate to love you

but love to hate you.

Three A.M. 

Watching you sleep,

fighting the nemphs of your past, 

killing the seeds that fell on dry soil.

Watering the opportunitys of tomorrow 

and forever.

Today is forever and we only have this moment.

I opened and closed, my soul to you.

As I knew you would go, and would'nt

stay as you hated to love me, and now

you love to hate me. 

I love you,

in a space were the time ends, 

faster than we can start.

Your anger overtakes me, 

and I run...

Burning my soul, 

my skin agent orange, 

inhailing it into my lungs,

the burn just will not  stop.

Smelling my flesh burneating away the meat to the bone. 

Today I hate to love you and love to hate you....

But I miss you so .....

WHAT IS IT STEF? in the early mornings?

You could feel my words, 

We talk till dusk, about.... 

what ever crosses our minds.

Loving, holding, 

its hard and angry from the day.

curling into a ball just being in our presence.

You and I.

There was no anger.

softness, and tears, not of regret but 

of our moments of joy.

Show me that you love, your last words.

Now there are no more. 

I DON"T KNOW HOW, 

leaving me to hating to love you but loving to hate you.....

For all the endless possabilities of us.

I love to hate you and hate to love you

You were/are my bitter sweet, 

angry Dark Rich Chocolate, 

eating only a small bite, 

Words filled with frustration, 

I hate to love you

but love to hate you.

Three A.M. 

Watching you sleep,

fighting the nemphs of your past, 

killing the seeds that fell on dry soil.

Watering the opportunitys of tomorrow 

and forever.

Today is forever and we only have this moment.

I opened and closed, my soul to you.

As I knew you would go, and would'nt

stay as you hated to love me, and now

you love to hate me. 

I love you,

in a space were the time ends, 

faster than we can start.

Your anger overtakes me, 

and I run...

Burning my soul, 

my skin agent orange, 

inhailing it into my lungs,

the burn just will not  stop.

Smelling my flesh burneating away the meat to the bone. 

Today I hate to love you and love to hate you....

But I miss you so .....

WHAT IS IT STEF? in the early mornings?

You could feel my words, 

We talk till dusk, about.... 

what ever crosses our minds.

Loving, holding, 

its hard and angry from the day.

curling into a ball just being in our presence.

You and I.

There was no anger.

softness, and tears, not of regret but 

of our moments of joy.

Show me that you love, your last words.

Now there are no more. 

I DON"T KNOW HOW, 

leaving me to hating to love you but loving to hate you.....

For all the endless possabilities of us.

Rebuilding

"The  worst might be over, but now what?

It may be time to accept the facts -- move out  of my  comfort zone?

seek refuge? or should I seek  guidance from someone in the same boat in order to resolve,

reconcile and move on. 

For I  may have nothing left to offer for now.

Rebuilding trust or seeking a better life needs to be done although I may not meet it with much enthusiasm or confidence. I will Let go of  previous baggage on this emigration.

Dump the heartbreak, resentment, tension, dependency or ties that burden me once upon a time.

Or face the consequences of  repeating a  similar condition and  trade one hardship or bad relationship for another."

Stefanie Stevens