Dying Today

Today she talked with me about dying.
She has ignored me my lifetime.
She walked up and smiled,
dimples,
hair grey,
wrinkled face....

Its been my lifetime.
So beautiful in youth,
black flowing hair,
dark eyes, sparklies,
beautiful,
but dangerous.

Today,
2 years of silence,
she walked up and said.
I am dying.
All I could think;
Everyone is dying.
Dying to live, and living
to die.

I think 2 years ago,
I would have broken down
and cried,
cried for her,
cried for me,
I would have been angry for all the time I did not get,
all the love I felt cheated of,
all the consideration, and even a kind words.
I would have fallen down and cried like a baby.
I am resolved.
I love my piece and quiet.
I love my life, alone ....
I love me....

Today,
I stand ,
I no longer need to cower in a corner.
I am no longer a coward.
I know what it feels like to love, hopelessly,giddy...
I know what it feels like to feel joy, heart exploding, crying and laughing....
I know what it feels like to smell the newness
of life. Fresh like morning dew.....
I know what it feels like.

I know what it feels like for it to hurt so bad. My body
aching, calling for someone to take me out of the pain.
I can.t breath in our out.
Every song happy or sad makes me cry, because I know
they are talking to me.
Taking showers two, sometimes three times per day,
to cry and hide the tears. No its the hot water. I got soap in my eyes.
I know what it feels like to feel pain.
Physical, and emotional.
Jaw fractured, broken finger, back dislodged, purple, blue black bruises.
I don't have a husband,
Nobody to save me....
Toiling in my suffering for what feels like
a lifetime.
I know what it feels like...

I know what it feels like to be humiliated,
the joke was on me, he wanted to be with her and you
never noticed. No explanation, just sign on the line.
Its over....

I know what it feels like to be abandoned,
tossed out like yesterdays trash.
I know what it feels like,
to want forgive and to be forgiven.
I know what it feels like to live with my mistakes,
and I know what it feels like
to NEVER BE LOVED....

Today when she told me she would be dead in
3 months.
I did not flinch.
I did not tear up.
I just listened to her words and held
them. Suspended in the air..
I did not sigh,
I did not say a word.
I was holding my breath.

Lets go for a ride.
we talked, about her desires,
her mistakes, her missed opportunities, and
my knowledge that you can't be a child growing up
with your children.
You can't be a child making the same child mistakes
and never accomplishing what you wanted for yourself.
You are angry with me for doing what I wanted.
For my losses,
for my not listening to you..
For you not saving me from myself.
I will be a woman alone,
for the rest of my life.
But I am not mad.
I am so content with were I am.
Its really OK.

I am sorry,
you are not happy with what you
received in your life.
But something has to have been good for you.
You can't have regrets now.
You can't say you don't want to leave.
You lived the way you wanted to.

You say she acts like you.
Silly,
Stubborn,
Beautiful...
Not wanting anything.
I see it, but I can't change it.
You are leaving now, and
I am not sad.
You can't save her no more than you
could save yourself.
Should you give her words to change her path.
Would she even see them.

She told me she was dying today.