If I walked a million miles

If i walked a million miles in
your sandals,
would my feet be dirty.

Would my toes be blistered,
and angry red with festering,
boils.

If I walked a million miles,
would I be kinder,
speak only goodness,
and pleasantries to strangers.

If I walked a million miles,
in your sandals,
would I be critical, and angry.
Advising you on how to prescribe to
your life on your terms.
Would I cast the stones at the
glass house fracturing the windows.
Destroying the screens.

If I walked a million miles, in
your shoes, what can I contribute,
to your life, to entertain you, to
entertain me. Would it be a life time,
would it be a day, would it be an hour,
would it be minutes.

If I walked a million miles,
should I wear shoes, or should I wear
work boots to work on all the strangers I meet.
Should I sit and watch them and take in all
their secrets, record them to review and
learn something new.

If I walked a million miles,
would I still have legs?
Would they be like putty,
wobbly and weak from the million days.

If I walked a Million miles,
how would it feel?
Would I fell happy, and content,
or would the world look surreal.

If I walked a million miles?

The spensters and the whore

Long ago, the spinsters was planted,
she would wear long dresses, and live by the prescribed
rules, that were not rules at all.

The spinsters whore her hair up,
and was not pretentious,
secretly inside lived a raging
angry whore.
She would tear at the spinsters,
and have her do things that she
would not normally do.

Tucked away deep inside of her soul.
This woman lived, and breathed,
she ate and she loved,
she hated, and she fueled,
devouring all the things that the
kind spinsters would come across.

She robbed the spinsters,
of her mind, her thoughts,
her feelings, Goodness was abandoned.
Shrewed, lued, and angry.
Fist balled, and cursing,
drinking, smoking, and grabbing.

Careful of the words you use,
you can kill,
or be killed.

How different are you than the killer of one's soul.
The curser,
the taker,
the thief.
Robbing simple minds of goodness.
If you are so much better than throw the
first stone, but all of us will stand to be judged,
and the spinsters, and her whore, will bear their
judgment together.

When were the spinsters, and how have you become the whore.

The apology

Abscense of mind
missing that piece that connects me
to the space I am supposed to be grounded to,
Nobody noticed
I went missing,
been gone a long time.
Doing the same things
expecting different outcome.
Insanity,
so they say.
There are pills for that.
I am not on them.
Does that make me insane.

Since I gave you away,
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't eat anymore.
The physical injuries have,
all healed.
The emotional damage, 
has arrived.

Anger,
Frustration,
this is not what I wanted.
I also did not want
bruses that go from blue,black
to faded yellow.
I held you to my promise.
You belonged to me.
Physical injury is cannot be part of that
promise.

I made so many mistakes,
I hope one day
you will forgive me.
I apologize.

Skin

Skin,
covering my lonely,
covering my empty,
hiding my insecurities.
blocking out the hagging hore,
ageless.

No music to dance to,
days gone to never retrieve,
sunrise, and sun set,
play something I know,
something without words,
so I can make up the melody.
I am tone deaf,
melody to me is noise....
But its mine.

love has abandoned me,
left me chasing him.
craving him more than the air i breath.
He won't lay with me.
He won't caress me.
i am not what he wants.
pretense.

Rotten apples
worms crawl across the
surface, peeled back exposed skin.
No blood just the smell of decomposition.
The give of all of my fluids.
Bugs gorging in stages.
Fat and full
I will never come back.
will i be missed.

Arch your back

Sun kissed,
soft brown eyes,
roll an orange down the base of your back.
pulling you into me,
smothering the soft whimpers of your desire
Arch your back

Strong arms,
dimple, beautiful,
desire,on fire
Arch your back

i knew the moment i saw
you this would be our one and only
opportunity. We wouldn't see each other again
until next Autumn
Arch your back

We never said hello,
we never said goodbye,
by I new this was only a moment.
Arch your back.

My Friend

You,
Are my friend.
You can say you knew me when nobody
else knew.
The things I gave you to hold
were for safe keeping. As they would
be things I need in the afterlife.
When I am reincarnated, into a Caterpillar.
Green and Yellow inching up the tree.

You,
My friend, may never see me up close
and personal but you will see my picture and
say I knew her, when, and she was so ...Funny!

You,
M friend, saved my life today and you don't even
know it.
You stopped me from self imposed hell, and brimstone.
I opened and gave you all the contents of the box.
That was on today.
Today is already a dream, but tomorrow will be a memory.

Thank you for hearing me,
for being kind to me, for making me
feel important enough to talk with.
Thank you for encouraging me,
and allowing me to ask of you what ever I wanted to know.

Thank you

You my friend, may never hear my voice again,
or see me. But you have worked wonders for my soul.
Gave me inspiration, to live another day.
To accept the things I can't change.
You inspired me to want to write a love letter.

For you I am so grateful and thankful to God
to place people in my life that are my friend.

I can't live like this

I can't live a lie,
preying on the weakest of the weakest.
Angry with my fist balled up,
I want what I can't have.
I will never, have it, because
because of me.

I can't live this lie
the pain, I am empty,
and alone. A mason jar with no top.

I can only be your friend.
Never will i be able to reach out and touch you.
You are not allowed to touch me.
I am not what you think I am.
A Wo/MAN in clothing refelctive of gender.
Don't consider me as I am not worthy of you,
or us, or me or they or them.

I can't live like this,
alone on the mountain,
thick lush forest,
dense, knowbody can find me.
Perpetural victom of circumstance.
Break my bones,
bruse my face,
injury to all that meet me.

I can't live like this,
something has to give,
I will either give into, and let go of,
or just lay down and die.

What do I have to offer?
I can't put to words, but I can
paint you the picture.

Remember me when
dawn has erased away her beauty,
and the sun caresses the dew.
Remember me as a shadow, of
ultimate beauty and grandor, as I
am no man's jewl, I am only their curse.
Never to be cherished,
used and tossed into the ocean of
discontent. Stand proud when
you say you have conqured, you have been there.
At what expense.

Do you feel the emptyness...
regret, as your words have taken a lfe,
a soul.
You are free, and I
Can't live like this.

I need what I don't know I need

Grab me,
pull me close hard to your chest.
Sweet and supple nothingness,
fill it, with your alone man emotion.
Raw, and sweaty, hard and mean.
Reach down deep and mix with me.
Engulf the bitterness of woman,
the loneliness, of age,
and immerse into the depths of
you and I.

Can you be the him,
that can handle the job?
Are you an artist who will paint me
in crimson, and yellow.
Or are you the plumber with the vice grips,
that can unscrew even the tightest of pipes.
Maybe you are the carpenter with the tool belt,
hammer, nails, with lots of respect. Gonna Rough Frame her
make her ready for the restoration.

I need,
what? heck I don't know.

Grab on hold tight,
there is a storm brewing,
Catrina destroyed everything and
even right now there is a vacant lot.
With just a foundation.

Grab my ass and hold on tight....
cuz i need , heck what I don't know I need.

At least try

Dancing in the wind.
blowing,
feeling my face.
Grey clouds collecting,
around me, silence.

I can feel the electrisity,
the quiet before the storm.
There will be no fires this year.

Static electrisity,
hair standing on end.
Hold me close to you.
I am not afraid of storms.
Will you/can you be uncertain with me.

I/Me/you can't predict the nature of a storm.
Only God leads it.
Giving it power.
Your arms are they strong enough to hold
me. Burying my face in your chesst. Will you let me.
You smelling fragrant of spicy sweet.

I want you inside of me
longing for  you, I don't know you.
You even know less of me.

To strage or strangers to be with each other.
I am alone, you are sad. Can we meet halfway
between alone and sad.
Lets dance, sing, touch the sky,
lightening, let it strike, far enough to
excite both of us.

The dance is hard,
can we dance to the strorm,
or do we need the music.
Will we make the music.
Soft sighs of absolute.
You don't want to hurt me,
Not hard, no hair pulling.
Please......
Try......
It may free you from your self imposed
bondage.


I don't know love as she has moved out
from my house a long time ago.
She would be a welcome guest.
But I don't normally host company.

I am afraid of fires.
Am I willing for you?
Fire can be destsructive,
Fire can also be freeing,
teaching you to run between the
drops.

Ask me
I may tell,
At least try......
© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

One day her mind just blew up

Contemplating,
Thinking,
Wondering,
worrying,
Will it rain today,
Will the sun come out,
How will I pay this,
were will I live,
what will I do.
When will i love?
When will I be loved?
overwhelmed.

Pray,
Prey,
Eat,
Love,
never hate,
thoughts over and over in her mind
none making absolute.

desperate,
lonely,
living,
dying,

she cradles herself in a corner,
tears running down her face,
blurred vision,
repetition,
rocking,
humming,
Is there a path to come back.

The road is no longer visible,
anger,
confusion,
and one day her mind just blew up.

Alone, all alone,
with only yourself.....
and one day her mind just blew up....

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

My secret Perception

Secretly,
I cry deep down inside,
wanting all the emotional things,
I don't even know I have.
Secretly, wanting the things
I don't know how to have.

How do I feel,
what do i feel, when will
I know I feel.

Empty,
Unknowing,
and unwilling.

Leave me to my own...
Leave me to suffer in my silence.
Smiling without showing my teeth.
Smiles empty of feeling....

I just want to wonder,
through the forest of my mind.
Green and lush.
No people to talk to ,
just the animals.

Don't help me
I have not asked for help...
Let me drown,
sinking in the mire of what was my life.
I am not cutting,
I am not bleeding,
so you don't know how much it hurts.

Secretly,
I pretend to be O.K.

Secretly,
its not a secret until you tell someone.
If you have no friends.
Who is there to tell.

Perception

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

A brick

I think I was struck by a brink

Blood is dripping down my face,
down into the back of my
shirt. I can feel it, sticky,
its not sweat.
Have I been unconscious,
I am standing, with
a man/woman holding my hand.
Blurry, garbled mind;
"are you alright?",
is/are they speaking English.
Doing the same thing expecting
a different outcome.
Insanity, that's what he said.
Touch this,
see this,
this is real.
You are no super hero,
you have no cape,
and comic books are
just that COMIC, made to be a funny
a spoof....
What the Heck....
Really A brick
It fell from the sky?

Did it fall from the sky?
dazed and confused
was it really a brick

Was it reality,
in this space, where everything
is relevant.
Relevance, today, tomorrow,
next week, forever,
to whom, who, it , me , they
Whats real....?

Who am I
what am I trying to accomplish,
where am I going,
when will I know I am there,

All of this due to a
brick
a clump of clay
baked by the sun, in a stove,
hardened,
not designed with the
intent of harm,
of presenting reality,
A Brick

If this is what it takes
to live in your space...
I DON'T WANT IT
No thank you

My delusions are
far safer,
more fun
and with less expectation.
I didn't know I was
insane until you told me
until the brick fell

Bloody hand prints

Bloody hand prints,
covering the wall,
there was obviously a homicide
committed here.

oh, yes you did it. You are not conscious of the how.
A true investigator will find the truth, and you will
know you did it.

Are you guilty of murder.
It only takes a minute to
make someone invisible,
to make them feel inadequate.
To have them leave their bloody hand prints on the walls.

Do you have those bloody hand prints of your
old lover, friends, or foe's on your walls.
You have to use the blue light to see them since they
have been there for so long.
You have lost your ability to see them.
But I bet if you try you can see them.

Did you cut them down with your angry words.
filled with discontent, or hate.
Maybe you were no so vile.
You just cursed them and demanded them out of your sight.

Our words,
can wound, can injure, can kill,
we just don't know how powerful they are.

Our words can also, cure, heal and give hope.
They can be the beckon for the ship lost at sea,
they can be the grace that all of us are given.
Our words can be the hope when all is lost and there is
no presence of a search party.
Our words can be bigger than the bloody hand prints on
the wall.

Bloody hand prints on the wall
how many are in your space.

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

God

Where has my "God" gone,
the one I believed would
pull me in from the storm.

Walk with me as I walk through the desert,
hot sand, burning my feet.
I am not alone.

Where is my "God", man living,
to love me. To hold me. To kiss me.
Where has my "God" Gone.

Have I believed in the wrong "God".
Is there one I don't know about,
One that I have missed.

I was made in his image,
I desperate to follow his lead.
To search for him and him alone.

Where is my soul mate,
the one sent for me, sent about me,
to love and hold me, to cherish me,
to be my love....

God missed me,
God has no space for me,
God....
Come back to me...
Come back for me.....
Save me....

My deep brown eyes have turned
into sad pools of azule water,
muddy.

I need you,
I need to know you,
to hear your voice,
I need you to give  me a voice,
to give me a direction.

God
I know you hear me,
but do you even love me....?

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

I wish

I wish,

The air had a color,
so I could see when I breath in and out.
So I can know that I am really alive and
not living on a promise that air is air and its what
keeps me living.

I wish,
I could have that "ah ha", moment
when i know its real, its not nutra sweet,
you are you and I am I.
I wish,
I could feel, feel you touch,
my soul, inside, my body like a second skin.

I wish,
I could function in the world
or pretend to function like everyone else.
To give love and know love, and be love and want
love and not hunger. To not thirst for
that which should be free given to us all by God.

I wish my desert was not so vast,
and so deep that I am lost in the sand,
with no time, no water, no oasis to feed me
even if for a moment.

I wish the world
were a place that was loving and kind,
tired of hate and learning to give and receive.
I wish ....

Is there a "God" that is so real that he can remove the fear and the pain.

I wish....

I Think

Its so deep,
its to the  bone.
I can see the white meat.

I did not mean to do it this way,
this time, but it occurred.
I could say an accident.
Two cars crashing in an intersection
is an accident.
That's why you own insurance.

This music,
its so loud.
I don't know the words,
I can't recognize the melody.

I don't think I need help,
but I do recognize some of the steps

I can't,
I won't ,
be here again,
its far too hard.
Occupies too much of my time.

My mind my thoughts,

the air is on the white meat,
and it burns,
cut clean
no blood,

I can't stand,
my mind is foggy,

I know this dance

I think