I don't love you but....

I don't love you
but I know I can.
Its not hard.
You,
Soft,
tender on the inside,
beautiful.
Kind.

Teach me to love you.
Teach me how you want to be held.
Teach me how you want to be caressed.
I don't love you
but I know I can.

I miss your warm arms,
holding, me.
I miss your soft lips,
kissing me.
Its like it was all a dream.
Nothing is real.
I lied to myself saying
what I don't want.

Today,
the sun beams into my eyes.
Reflecting all the things I said
I didn't want.

I want.
I want it all,
I want joy,
I want love,
I want tenderness.
Understand me,
be kind to me.

Hopeless,
I know it will come one day,
its just not today.

I want you to be
all that you can be.

Let me feed you,
make you a meal.
Of red rose petals,
floating in a soft body of water.
warm soft candles.
I don't love you but
you can teach me.

It just has to be right.
No secrets.
No darkness,
everything has to be done in the light.
I can't have goodness if I am doing wrong.

I am sorry,
I can't but I know I will.
Eventually,
it will come and be beautiful.

I won't have to learn.
I don't love you but.
Teach me how?

Nature knows when

I often feel like a carrot,
deep in the cold fresh
dirt. Cold, but warm,
seeking a home.

Bitter sweet tears choking
me, like morning dew.
taste is fresh,
smelling like the newness
of life, another day.....

Crisp,
like the sun meeting the day,
crackling fire, in the night.

Rolling my body
in its nakedness, in the
freshness.

Red vine ripe
tomatoes,
hanging, not yet
ready to be removed
from its vine, but almost.
Don't take them prematurely,
but don't take them to late
as they will spoil.
Nature knows when its right.

Nature knows when its right.

God I have questions?

Empty house,
Red, Orange,
Yellow, Green,
Blue, Indigo, Violet,
A rainbow in every room.

Sun shining,
brightly lit,
no curtains
to hide the contents.

I dance in the sun light,
no music,
no people,
just free....
Warmth fills me.

I know there is God,
I have questions,
would he speak to me?

Condemned to my solatude.
Why try,
Who am I,
Where am I going,
What's this purpose,
to run the race swiftly,
to get the most toys,
to go the most places,
God I have questions?
To help the most people,
They DON'T want help.

Something has changed,
freedom is really not freedome,
and the colors suggest
there are no colors,
COLOR BLINDNESS.

I have walked away,
into the abiss,
floating,
gliding, fillng my lungs
with the cold water.
God I have questions?

Forgiveness,
for what. I have done
nothing but been here.
Denial, for the nothing,
denial for being here,
denial for what ever else
presents.
God I have questions?

Why won't you talk to me,
you talk to everyone else.
Am I really the Devil,
or am I really just standing
in the sunlight, dancing as the
sun kisses my body.

I will know what it means

This morning I woke up,
feeling,
I can feel the cold crisp morning air,
I can feel the warmth under my blanket.
I can feel my soft hands on my stomach.
I can feel.

I can see that
everything is blurry,
without my glasses.

I can smell my sweet night fragrance,
I sprayed on after my nigh time shower,
I can smell morning.

This morning I woke up feeling.

I can remember what
it felt like love,
I can remember what it feels like to
not know love.
I can remember what its like
to know love has been gone from me
for so long that I forgot how to love.

One day my spirit will
open up when the right person comes.
The person will have the key,
and they will insert it into the
latch and my spirit, will
be free.

It will be like a hawk
searching for its prey,
that cannot escape.
But my prey will want to be
captured.
It will suspend itself in my embrace
and I will lay my head down,
on the soft forest ground that is wet and inviting.
My wings will loose flight.
I will have no reason to search,
as it will come to me.
I will know what it means to love again.

It just will not be like anything
I have ever experienced before.

Dying Today

Today she talked with me about dying.
She has ignored me my lifetime.
She walked up and smiled,
dimples,
hair grey,
wrinkled face....

Its been my lifetime.
So beautiful in youth,
black flowing hair,
dark eyes, sparklies,
beautiful,
but dangerous.

Today,
2 years of silence,
she walked up and said.
I am dying.
All I could think;
Everyone is dying.
Dying to live, and living
to die.

I think 2 years ago,
I would have broken down
and cried,
cried for her,
cried for me,
I would have been angry for all the time I did not get,
all the love I felt cheated of,
all the consideration, and even a kind words.
I would have fallen down and cried like a baby.
I am resolved.
I love my piece and quiet.
I love my life, alone ....
I love me....

Today,
I stand ,
I no longer need to cower in a corner.
I am no longer a coward.
I know what it feels like to love, hopelessly,giddy...
I know what it feels like to feel joy, heart exploding, crying and laughing....
I know what it feels like to smell the newness
of life. Fresh like morning dew.....
I know what it feels like.

I know what it feels like for it to hurt so bad. My body
aching, calling for someone to take me out of the pain.
I can.t breath in our out.
Every song happy or sad makes me cry, because I know
they are talking to me.
Taking showers two, sometimes three times per day,
to cry and hide the tears. No its the hot water. I got soap in my eyes.
I know what it feels like to feel pain.
Physical, and emotional.
Jaw fractured, broken finger, back dislodged, purple, blue black bruises.
I don't have a husband,
Nobody to save me....
Toiling in my suffering for what feels like
a lifetime.
I know what it feels like...

I know what it feels like to be humiliated,
the joke was on me, he wanted to be with her and you
never noticed. No explanation, just sign on the line.
Its over....

I know what it feels like to be abandoned,
tossed out like yesterdays trash.
I know what it feels like,
to want forgive and to be forgiven.
I know what it feels like to live with my mistakes,
and I know what it feels like
to NEVER BE LOVED....

Today when she told me she would be dead in
3 months.
I did not flinch.
I did not tear up.
I just listened to her words and held
them. Suspended in the air..
I did not sigh,
I did not say a word.
I was holding my breath.

Lets go for a ride.
we talked, about her desires,
her mistakes, her missed opportunities, and
my knowledge that you can't be a child growing up
with your children.
You can't be a child making the same child mistakes
and never accomplishing what you wanted for yourself.
You are angry with me for doing what I wanted.
For my losses,
for my not listening to you..
For you not saving me from myself.
I will be a woman alone,
for the rest of my life.
But I am not mad.
I am so content with were I am.
Its really OK.

I am sorry,
you are not happy with what you
received in your life.
But something has to have been good for you.
You can't have regrets now.
You can't say you don't want to leave.
You lived the way you wanted to.

You say she acts like you.
Silly,
Stubborn,
Beautiful...
Not wanting anything.
I see it, but I can't change it.
You are leaving now, and
I am not sad.
You can't save her no more than you
could save yourself.
Should you give her words to change her path.
Would she even see them.

She told me she was dying today.

I AM STILL TALKING

I am still talking;
Today,
she came to visit me.
Wearing her white chiffon dress, and a hat.
Today she was out of character, in that it
feels like autumn.
I noticed she was holding
close to her chest a perfectly sharp object.

She invited me to tea,
of course there was no sweetener on the table.
Just the pale blue dishes, with perfect red and blue flowers.
The table cloth was white, and starched with cloth napkins in CRANBERRY.
White gardenias in a little dish with water.
They smelled so fresh, it made me
think of a beautiful autumn day,
in a cool place.
Wind blowing just soft enough
for me to smell them.

She only arrived because I
invited her.
I thought her up.

I know her all to well,
she came to me; once,
in what I thought
was a dream.

But when I opened my eyes, the room was cloudy and bright,
and the
police stood next to me.
This  is no dream.
Its against the law they said.
I agreed.
Only because I was too foggy to
say anything else.
Its against the law.
I couldn't speak, I was still in a stupor.

Confusion,
A Blur,
Woman standing over me,
elderly, SCREAMING....
So loud not audible.
I must have died, and this is hell....
Screaming, is it day time or  night.
There are no windows.
Just the pale walls of my insanity.
I don't understand,
Someone
are you awake?
You have to get up.
Confused, who and what are you....
the lights or off, and the curtain is pulled.
You have to get up.
You have to talk .
Throat sore, horse....
Can I make sound come out.
Words won't come.
I want some water.

Sitting in a circle of porceline
dolls in wooden chairs.
Their heads are broken in various places.
One has a hole in the top of her head.
Like someone gave her a crainyectomy,
One has her ear piece broken out.
One doll with blank eyes,
has a chip above her lip.
One is just a head she has no body.
dolls in all colors,
porcelain,
half dressed,
one has a shoe missing,
dirty hair,
dragged through the dirt, clothing dirty,
red heart shaped lips,
vacant eyes.
Look that one has an eye missing.
Its just a hole.
Soft body's when you turn them
they make a sound.
If I cut all their hair off will they
still say "Momma" when you turn them.
Will they still be porcelain baby dolls.
Not one of them is salvageable.
I didn't want them anyway.
I hate dolls.
They use to give me clowns,
collect them,
put the all around me.
They are pained,
faces white,
lots of color.
You know each clown has
a distinct face paint, and nobody else can use it.
I don't know who they are underneith that color.
The smile is painted on,
like jack in the box.
They scare the hell out of me....
Don't give me that.

My touch is like a ghost,
nobody feels me,
I am going through the motions.
If you feel me you better speak up now
or forever hold your piece.
Laughing inside deep billows.
The wind is blowing and there are no sails.
The boat will not move.
I am translucent, you see right through me.
I am no longer solid....

When she comes to visit me,
I think I will go with her.
If it makes me feel.
Something...
If she is willing to take me with her someplace.
maybe to India, Bali, or Brazil.
I can watch the beautiful people,
who know how to feel....
If she can value me, and not make me
feel the nothingness.

I think you will notice,
I don't think anyone will.
The world,
my world has gone silent.
This occurred a long time ago.

Guess she was really a dream, and my mind went on
a fantastic trip....
I am still talking.....
I really don't like the circus.

Delusions

Beautiful,
Sable Eyes,
Dark lashes, and brows.
Intense.

Deep, dark bitter sweet chocolate
man...

You know not were you
come from and today
you know less of were you are going.

Competent to go to college,
Afraid,
how many babies will it take
to fill the void.
Blame the girl...
It took two.
Love does not pay the bills.
You are living on borrowed time.
Hands outstretched, can I have, will you give....
Where is yours?
No just the babies.
They have to eat and they don't stay babies forever.
Deepening the wound.
I see your hidden pain,
at least you like to think its hidden.
You are that sweet boy of 3 alone in your
room, crying for your mother.
She never comes to console you.
To tell you monsters are a manifestation
of your imagination.
If you make it you can kill it.

Another drive by,
yellow tape,
blood on the ground.
This is the life "Oakland California".
Did it make sense?
fallen friend, or is it foe?
they have fallen.
A mother sobbing for her loss.
How many have you lost.
Is there something that I can change.
Is there something that they can change.
What will it take?
Standing next to the hole.
Thoughts, "why can't it be me".
Because the more you want it the less you will get it....
Tears, Sobs, sadness.
I want something different,
but I do not know what I want.

Opportunity is passing you by.
You sit on the stoop and watch.
Put that smoke down,
wash your face,
put on clean clothes,
change something and
not just the channel.

I want to be a rapper,
make some money,
change my life.
Everyone wants to be a rapper,
make some money, and change their life.
You are still on the stoop.
Grandma, always said
trash is trash not matter whose yard its in.

Delusions of grandeur.
I have so much power.
The system is watching me.
They want to see what I am doing.
I am like some other unsung hero of the
rap game.
He did not have a full search and seizure.
Is that the day you became a man.
Or is that the day you realized you now have on
shackles. I hear them clinking with every step you make.

Conspiracy, my assss.......
you have the power to do what you like,
but you exercise no movement.
You locked yourself out, and you are
sitting in the yard being fed shit in the dark.
Are you growing....
What court gesture are you following today.
Does he wear the courts hat?

when you make no demands of yourself, you can make
no demands of your neighborhood.
Walk into a
store and watch a friend/foe steal an old
mans bike and you say nothing. What are you really changing?
Open your eyes...
You are equally part of the problem.
You have forgotten the golden rule.
"Do on to others" oh that does not count.
Someone stole your bike, and nobody said anything.
But the system is conspiring against you because you
have done.....
you will be....
I am.....

Delusions,
who are you,
what do you stand for,
stand for nothing and you fall
for everything.
do you know you are not standing.
You have fallen and you can't get up.
There are no helping hands reaching for you.
You have Youth,
You have ability....
It won't last forever.

You are crouching in a darkened
corner. Pretending to stand.

Pull up your pants.
It's not "whities fault".
Many people died to give you
the opportunity to be
DELUSIONAL.

They were eaten by dogs,
hung from tree's,
homes burned,
families murdered...
But you were given a right
to be a, "PERSON".
ACT LIKE ONE.....

Stop thinking that everyone
sees you, and make yourself known.
Speak out loud, with your mouth,
In words that we all can hear.

Silence

Fetal position,
naked in the dark
Cold.
Empty, and alone,
in a darkened world.
A place with no hope.
Children learn what they live.

Eyes closed,
I can see the hue of yellow,
before I get to the blankness.
Tears streaming .
I cry out and an Echo,
embraces me.
Is this real?

Today,
there is no substance induced
stupor. Today,
I can feel my life.

I know what it means
to live a life alone.
I know what it means to
want something different,
and I know I can't have something
different. At least not on
this day.

Does silence
make a man search his
inner person. Or does
lonliness make him fight it.
"I will do anything, for love".
Really,
Would I,
Can I,
if it removes this cold naked place.

I don't want help at least I don't think
so.
Wondering the halls of my slicence,
skin prickly,
I am naked.
Without clothing,
without knowedgle,
without expereince,
Really? I know I am naked.
I know I am cold.
If knowledge is really power,
than why am I not a King,
sitting on a throne,
living in a castle with everything.

I have sunk into the sea
of dispair. Finally excepting,
my own mortality.
Silence....

I am A Goddess

I am a Goddess,
I am not petite,
weighing 100lbs or less,
but I am a full
busted, full figured,
shapely Goddess.
I am soft and supple,
golden brown,
kissed by a honey bee,
sweet and natural.

I may not wear
Victoria Secret all the time,
and I don't need to buy
extra to fill my cups.
But I am real.
I wear Cotton seamless
Sometimes Victoria makes
items I wear. But I do wear
support to lift my girls,
which are 100% home grown,
Perky and happy, they are.
I am soft and supple,
and I don't need Revlon,
to fill my lips, cover my wrinkles,
lighten my eyes, lighten my hair,
take away my gray.
I don't cut off my eyebrows, to draw them
back on. I grow my lashes and no they don't need
to be longer.
To the Goddess that do,
keep on doing you, cuz you are also a Goddess.
I am a Goddess,
in all her glory.
I grow it,
I tend to it,
I water it,
I foster the confidence that comes with
it,
I am a Goddess.

I can make you a meal
that will fill you to your soul.
I can love you with all
that I have in me.
I am certain that I don't need
to be attached at the hip to you.
But I am with you.

I am a Goddess,
when you look into my eyes,
you feel me touch you.
When I kiss you,
you melt in my mouth,
I am your Goddess.
Love Me
Respect Me
Accept me for who I am

My lover

My lover,
Port to my soul mate,
your power is compatibility,
in the midst of dichotomy.
You enter as a whole new color scheme,
in my world, our world.
Can I read your mind,
to see everything you are going through.
I would be proud to find the reason why
you are alone and acting so cold.
How long have you been this way?


My lover,
ultimating,
rival,
tensions mounting,
lets negotiate,
acceptable trade off,
waiting for someone
to love me....
to love you...
to love us....

My lover,
let me negotiate,
our unique perspectives,
reflecting what each of us lack
for a balanced truce. A meeting place,
where we can love, and be loved intimately.

My lover,
when we are together,
I am euphoric, provacative, promiscuous.
filled with absolute joy,
giddy like its our first time.

My lover,
I concede mutual vested love,
incentive, action,
devotion, honor,
for your consideration.

My lover,
you, me, we, can only by the power of
self respect in reciprocal vulnerability,
consummate you, me the we.

My lover ,
lets cheat temptation,
lets not do the dance, in the red dress....
black pants.....
silk pajamas.....
naked...
arching our backs....
sweating,
wanting,
shallow looks, our eyes meet.
Lets cheat temptation.

My lover,
here at the impasse,
we, me, you still have a choice...
We, me, you, I still have our pride.

Seven Days 168 hours 10080 minutes from you

Its been seven days
168 hours,
and 10080 minutes
since our parting.

I have not slept,
been able to enjoy
food, or had a drink in
absolute joy.

You walked out on
me and went back from
where you came.

You didn't look back not once,
and I have fallen and can't get up.
I have no emergency response
button to push for help.

I don't have a panic button,
for God to come and give me
advise.

Its been 7 days
168 hours,
and 10080 minutes,
since you left.

I walk though the park
missing you holding my hand,
shielding me from the sun.
Reminding me to
wear sun screen, or I'll burn.
I miss you reminding me that
I won't live for ever and that I am
a mere mortal.
I miss you pulling me out of the rain.

I don't even own a rain coat.
I tossed it in the trash when it
got a hole in the back.
It lets water run down my back
and I stay cold.

Its been 7 days ,
168 Hours,
and 10080 Minutes,
since you left.

I think this too will pass,
but just not yet.....
I loved you so.
Did you really need to go?

Come Back

Come and dance with me,
listen to the afro cuban, salsa,
jazz, capture our souls and we dance.

Spinning, whirrling, laughing,
crying, screaming, yelling,
letting the dance capture us...

Falling to the ground,
in laughter and exhaustion.
I loved this place,
I loved as my friend.

I shealded my heart and yours,
from the storms that were coming.
Lightening boltz...
God was angry
and took you away from me.

Leaving me with just a memory of
who and what we shared.

I was your soul,
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
You out there,
and me in here.....

come back..
Dance with me....

Come and laugh with me.
Come and love with me.

All can be forgiven,
and we can start again.
If there is any opportunity..?

I can't remember

I can't remember,
what its like to love,
to really love.
To feel it,
to taste it,
to know its love and only for me.

I have lived in pretense for so long,
pretense is my reality.

I can't remember the taste of
honey, sweet, and wild.
Its been so long since sweetness, has
been in my mouth. That even I can't
find it.
Instead everything i eat tastes like dry
ashes. Dusty, and stale.

Its been so long since real kindness,
has entered my life. The kindness,
that someone, anyone just cares about me.
They notice my pain, not because I cry.
Because they can look into my deep sad eyes,
and know that I am dying.
I die to myself, for no other reason than
I can't find anything in my life that is real.

Real,
the tangible, touchable, honest enough to tell
the truth and allow me to my feelings. If my feelings are disappointment, or
despair, but they are mine and I am honored for feeling.
Its been so long....

I long to be held and loved by someone
who is not playing, dancing to music I can't hear.
I long to be touched by someone who is not touching me
to get their need met.
That someone who looks into my eyes, and tells me the sweet
nothing lies, that mean nothing when the lights are turned on.
Tell the truth....

It has been so long since,
you tell  me, how long has it been since you,
found yourself in my place....

Lets change it.

Self Destruction

Careening down,
into the pit,
wanting it all and having nothing.
Void of decision,
empty of accountability,
its her fault, its his fault,
but never mine.

Acting out,
eating too much,
drinking too much,
sexing too much.
Its my life I will do with it what I like.

Living dangerously,
driving drunk,
sky diving,
wanting to die but still
fighting to live.

Self Destruction

Can I ever forgive you

Can I ever forgive you,
you used me for gain.
Not money,
Not status,
but you used me.
Leaving wondering what
did I do to you that was so bad
that you couldn't even say you were OUT!

Can I ever forgive you for
being that person who presented like a
sheep in wolves clothing.
Creeping from around trees,
large eyes that prey on victims at night,
that gobble your limbs.

Can I ever forgive you that
all of my memories were
you were the nicest person
kind,
gentle,
and easy.
Now, you are the Beast....
Large ears, and you can't hear me.
Large eyes, to see only what you think you see.
Salivating, wanting, and yet you gained nothing.

Can I ever forgive you?