I love you

I love you,
the way you smell,
the way you taste,
the way you purse your thinly, shaped lips.

I love you when you think of me,
for me when I am not thinking of me,
but ........

I love you for
showing me how much bullshit there
is in life,
leftovers,
hangovers,
anger,
frustration,
and rejection.

Lie to me for love,
speak to me for love,
but I love you.

Now for the sake of love,
let me be me, in me with me.
Alone in the early morning,
alone in the day, and alone in the evening.

Let me wallow in my own
self pity for giving up,
For throwing up,
for just being a fool,
to love you back.

It was never going to be
what you said,
because your words have
been hollow,
a game of how stupid
and foolish you could make me
look in front of everyone.

I love you for the brutal honesty,
feeding me sweet life's, filled with
honey at first and then nutra sweet in the end.
Too much false sweetener will bore
holes in your brain and then.....
YOU DIE.

I love you for
just being you,
Thank you for all
the time you have invested.
I love you for
everything....

Cowards

A man or  woman can compromise
agree to things that go against
the matters of their heart.
All for love,
but is it really love?

A coward, can be
a man or a woman,
who think they are compromising.
They won't kill anything but
they won't let it live either.

What does this have to do with love...?
Everything.
When you love someone,
you don't leave them feeling empty,
wanting something they can never have.
When you love someone you
don't pick at the open wound,
and give them salt as medicine.
Sure it helps it heal,
but in a more so cured meat kinda
way.
Tough, and salty

The next person will
get the beef jerky of life you left
behind.

I resolve
that I refuse to be a coward.
I will not pick at the bones of
left overs, that are not really left overs.
I don't want the empty hang over,
hang ups, push ups of what
was or should have been.

I want what is there for me
when it time for me,
and its mine in the
proper condition.
It can't be angry,
it can't be regretful,
it can't be resentful,
and it can't be unthoughtful.

I guess I can say I have been
a coward one or twice in my
life.
But today I want
to be me....
filled with love to give to the right person,
honest enough to say when I can't be right,
loving enough to love without conditions,
beautiful enough to open my eyes to the sunrise, and
lay at night to the sun set.
Today,
is new
and I will live
each day in the new.
I can't live in the past,

I have subcomb to my defeat,
I can't give more than I have,
I can't be who I am not,
I can't love a faker.

I have loved,
lost, and loved again.
I accept my defeat.
I don't want to walk on this trail again.
The tree's are ugly,
grey and delapatated,
they look like pet moss. Grey,
I want the trail that is green and alive.
I want the trail with the beautiful birds,
singing and dashing in front of me.
I want the trail thats new.

Its time for a new adventure.
I want so much and get nothing.
I keep picking up the rocks that are good for
nothing but throwing.
You know there are nice rocks.
You can find on cool trails.
Maybe I am making it up, maybe
all the rocks are the same its just how you look at them.

I really need a new adveture.

Ramblings of a Lunitic

The simple ramblings of a lunatic,
bet you didn't know I was never
stable. Never able to be who I said I was.
Or what if I was able to be the person I said I was.
I can't believe me sometimes.

Once I danced on tables,
no I was not a go go dancer,
I just like to dance.
 I don't have rhythm,
I am not talented,
but I like to dance.

I would love to dance,
with someone who would just dance,
and enjoy the music.
In that very moment.
When nothing in the world
mattered but the dance.

The music can stop and I
will still dance because its all in my  head.
The beautiful colors swirling around me,
and me swirling in the colors.

I can become one of the objects,
no more of this or that,
here or there, just a color,
swirling.

Someone asked me for a lifetime today,
and I can't be a lifetime,
I can't be a halftime most days.

I am sorry but I can't,
I am not , I can only be here in this
dance without music,
pretending to feel a rhythm that does
not exist. Not in my lifetime.

Because I am afraid,
I am not real, I am like your shadow,
I only come out during the daylight.
I am a reflection, but I am sick by the my
deceit.

I have deceived you,
and you are harmed by my actions.
I am so wrong for this.

I pray that God stops me soon.
Or I will leave this space and go to the dark
place that most people pray not to go.
Is life really worth the living or is it worth
the end....
What if it is not what we really think, and
we have thought of nothing that is comprehensive.
We delude ourselves, we believe in God be cause "what if".
and "What if " there is no man that calls himself God,
what if a man made it up to control our feelings about
guilt and regret.

What if its really to make us feel,
and feel where we are in our current moment,
What if it has never been real.....

The things you should know about me

The things you don't know.
About me....
Sometimes I go through things.
Things that are hard, easy, kind, angry,
Sometimes I cry, it could be a good read, it could be a commercial,
it could be a friend talking to me for me about.
But I cry for them, me, and anyone who needs a tear.
Sometimes, I don't listen,
well most of the time.
Sometimes I don't care,
about things, places, and situations.
Because it overwhelms me.

Most times,
I like being alone in me, with me...
I tend to be selfish.
When I am with you, I am with you.
You are the moment I am in....
Things you should know about me...

Most times,
moments fleet away from me,
and become my past as quickly as they are
in this moment.
I don't want entertainment.
I can watch the news for that.

I like to watch
the lovers in parks touch each other.
I don't envy them, because I don't know them,
but I think its cool that two people can give more of
them than they have to give.

Sometimes I am so lonely,
I know it will be the end of my life and I will
know I have never been alone.

Sometimes, I am in darkness,
I can't handle the here and now,
I don't want to get up, comb my hair, dress, or eat.

Sometimes I wish somebody knew these things about me.....
I thought you should know.
But really
I don't think anybody is listening.
If they were, they would know suffering,
they would know the costume I wear.

I guess I can say
you don't know me....
Sometimes I can be mean.
Shit happens

Its all Relevant

I am going to
get on a boat and go far away,
I can't live in the shadow of a lie.
I will not lie to myself.
No matter what you say,
or what you do, I can't.

Love is a beautiful thing.
If its right.
With the right person,
in the right place at
the precise right time.
I won't watch you from
the shadow but I do see
with my eyes.
Its all relevant.....


I am gong to hop on a train,
and ride to places I have seen
before. Watch the people that I have
seen before and wonder.
Is it real for them...
Who is the fool with
the jester hat... Nope its
not me.
The people I watch;
Do they really feel?
or do they pretend?

Or have they been broken
in a way that were recovery is imposable.

I am going to sit on a hill,
and contemplate my life and my love.
Decide if here and right now is what I want.

I will tell you when I get there......
Its all relevant.

I like to talk but
not always with my mouth.
I like to listen but not always
to the words.
I like to dance, but sometimes
without the music.
Its all relevant.

The tango is my favorite,
pushing and flowing, flowing and pushing.
Desire, and frustration.
Love ....
Its all Relevant

Binding

Bound at my heart,
waiting for you come over to see me,
waiting for you to call me.
I won't cheat, I am frozen in
a moment of time.
Waiting on you.

Binding on my hands and feet,
I  feel the taught
wrappings.
I can't become small
I am bound.
To you....
How long?

Binding can be for a lifetime,
binding can be a punishment,
but right now It feels so good
and hurts so bad.

I lay down at night with you
on my mind,
my dreams are filled will
sexual fantasies of you.
Touching me, with your soft hands:
kissing me, with your perfect lips:
loving me....
I am tormented.
I would have never told you,
I could have settled for your friendship.
I would have just been bound to you,
intertwined like silk in majestic purple.

If you knew what I go through,
would you want me bound?
I don't feel I would bind you,
I would leave it as it is and just love you....
Its too late to go backward.
I can only go forward.
Bound

The message in the bottle

Lay with me,
in the warmth,
in the welcoming,
in the wetness.

Be in me and with me,
and me alone with you.
Let me feel your softness,
next to me, wrapped in me.

I have to slow down,
I don't know how long,
today before the alarm goes off and
you have to leave.
Sometimes I get a few hours,
sometimes I get 30 minutes, but
I have to be in the moment of us.
It goes by so fast.

I know this is only for a short while,
in that nothing is what it appears.
Today I am willing,
but my heart fights with my rational mind.
Telling me not to do this to myself.

Me precision,
You belong to know one....
The message is in the bottle,
today it has landed on my lonely beach.
One million miles from nowhere.
But the sun is smiling on me.....
Warm and kind.

I am like the homeless man
on the side of the freeway when
it comes to you. Hungry and cold.
You toss meager morsels to me...
and you drive on.

One day,
you will belong to someone,
just depends what beach the bottle lands on,
maybe it will crack and the message will end.

Silky Cream Carmel

Silky caramel cream,
indulge me,
seduce me,
let me taste you,
just  a little at first,
then some more....

Delight me with
the pleasure of your moments.
Give me what I seek in return.
Don't fill me with  empty promise, but
tell the truth.

I can never be angry with you for the truth,
I am a forgiving soul.

My love is but a secret,
known to know one but you, "NOW".
Holding it close to my heart,
breathing in your fragrance on my pillow.

Hemingway reminds us "Imagine if a man must kill the
moon daily, the moon runs away, but imagine if a man
must each day should try and kill the Sun? We were born lucky"
This  as love is....

Daily should you try to kill the sun,
you were born lucky.
As love is the light that leads you.
It will free you and open your heart.

Silky cream caramel,
I delight in you.
As the sun is with love....

Just for the season

Love me,
I will love you back.
If you would but trust me;
just a little with loving you.
It will be so sweet.
Like fresh sticky honey.
Smoke stinging my eyes,
tears streaming from my eyes
down my cheeks...
Salt.....
Your taste.....
I am not crying, I am making a
way to your sweetness.
Angry bee's gently evacuating
their hive: giving way to the
sweet.... fragrance of you.

I want to rub
sweet sticky to your skin. 
My mouth ravishing in your sweetness.
Lips fragrant with your smell;
fresh honey, sweet to the taste.

Touch me,
caress me with your soft breath.
Down the nape of my neck, sending a chill down the
front of my breast..
I will reciprocate.
Lavishing you with the soft strokes of my
moist wet lips.
Kissing the intimate parts of you.

Just love me....
I can love you back.
Give me your sweet sighs of ecstasy
in the early morning,
intensity...
I need something,
more than the same mundae daily.
I need something more.

I will ask you but once,
I am not use to begging,
but I will ask....
Whats the diffrence between begging
and asking?
They really are the same, its just the
position and tone.
Both have a question mark on the end.

Do you really want me on my knees,
with a question mark on the end.

Be merciful,
open,
and kind.
If you will lead i will follow, and if you
let me lead, be present.....
in this moment of you
and I loving and being allowed to love.
Even if its just for this season......

To know me

To know me is,
to see my outer vessel,
that is soft and appeasing to the human eye.
To really know me is to meet,
the soft and supple inner parts.
To know what makes me laugh,
when laughter shouldn't be an option.
To know what makes me cry when crying is
all that is left.
To taste the richness of
the food I make, to please the senses.

To know me,
is to get beyond my shadow,
cast on the ground for all to stand on.
My shadow, wants to take center stage.
Look at the fine streaks of grey,
touch the soft tender skin,
message my muscles and know me...
know what hurts me and how I carry my  hurt.
Know what makes me love, and I will love you.
Open me up to your wisdom and I will share mine with you.

Obscure tid bits of information
stored for just the right person....
To know me

Waiting

Electric Aurora, in Azule
wind blowing,
I can't capture you in a bottle.

Crimson, crisp heart
Ice burg solid,
more than one mile high,
and as vast as a solstice.

Wanting,
waiting,
not willing to plead,
El nino will come....
melting you away daily.
Softening your edges.

There is no such
thing as global warming,
not when it comes to you...
Even scientist are changing their views.....

I am on an ocean liner,
you : picturess,
pristine and beautiful.
Me, with my trusty camera.

I am waiting for my moment
to capture the perfect moment.
No polar bears...
White wolves.
Just frigid cold.

Me wrapped in my fur....
Waiting,
Waiting for you to
warm.......

My Friend

Thank you my friend,
You came to me when
I was ill.
you Stood next to my bed,
stroked my hair softly.
You kiss my forehead and
prayed for me.
You cried for me
and asked me not to leave.
Not yet at least.
You suggested I had something
to do.
You asked me to come back.

I thank you for thinking of me.

Will anyone come when I fall.
When my time comes,
will anyone notice me missing.
Would anyone call for help for me,
search for me.
My Friend will......

I am like a shadow,
present when the sun shines
and dark when the moon glows.

I lie to myself and tell me
when my time will come but
I am not God, and he will send me
back......
But I thank you for being there next to my
bed, I thank you for being my friend.
I thank you for caring and wondering what
has happened to me when the rest of the world
never even noticed me.

Thank you
my Friend.

The Dark Market

Last night,
I dreamed a dream of
magnificent porportions.
It was a dream of a man.
Working in a dark market,
no the market was not black,
the market was dark.
There were canopy hanging overhead,
and dim lights were lit.
I watched as women purchased souls.
Souls of men willing to come with them, 
and canning souls of men who refused.

Crimson, jars....
filled with the hearts of the faint.
Baskets of deep red apples,
all of this occured in the dark market.

Last night,
I felt the hollow ache of pain.
In my soul, manifest in my shoulder.
It wakes me like a man wanting pleasure passionately.
But there is pain associated with this waking.
I think in the wee hours of the early
morning. Why can't i just cut it off and be done
with my pain.
Its my reminder that if I don't look at what is
real, reality will come to me and I will feel it.

I pray God, will you not heal me
of my affliction.
My words fall on his heart and he
forces me to evaluate me.
My suffering will not stop until I say it....
Not until I speak the words he wants me to say.
No, he does not want me to ask for forgiveness,
no he does not want me to repent.
He wants me to say it out loud.

He wants me to openly acknowledge,
that I want to be loved and love is for me.
There I have said it,
I want to be loved and love is for me.
I want to breath the smell of fresh flowers in the spring time.
I want to leave the dark market of mens souls, and
harbor no jars of crimson hearts.

I pray God that he gives me this
before my days are far gone and I
have nothing left to give that is good.
I pray God that I do not turn from the sun,
and seek the heart of stone, that some gather close.
Holding on to that anger.
hating, all for not loving  but more
than anything for not being able to love ....

Soft and supple,
working the skin,
not like a leather bag,
this has not set too long in the sun.....
kiss me..
make it last forever....
I will follow if you but lead.....
all the things I pray god for,
if he will just remove me from the dark
market.

If he will just remove my pain.....