My greatness, she tried to discard it as child,
I was taught to be seen and not heard.
Leaving me utterly meek, and withdrawn from the world.
Trying to remove myself from this life as long as I can remember.
Laying in the barn smelling the dirt, earth was rich and smelled of freshly turned soil. Hiding in the cellar with my arms crossed, motionless.
emulating a person I had seen in a coffin. "what are you doing" , Playing dead.
I was three. Fourteen, overdosing on Demerol, knowing I had succeeded, but the police were standing in front of me tell me that I had committed a crime, and I had to go to an institute. Where are my shoes, what has happened to my shoe laces, why am I here, all I wanted was to be free of this pain, of this life. She hated me. She would remind me that she hated me.
Jumping off the barn hoping to fly, almost breaking a limb. People don't fly, as birds have hollow wings and they are made to fly. People are made to endure.
If I had wings I would fly away from this empty place that lacked love, and compassion for a child who was destined for greatness.
Learning to be very still and he won't hit you, he won't hear you, he won't notice you.
Wrong, cover your ears its happening again. The screaming the hollering, the breaking of glass. Her face resembled nothing that I had seen before. Eyes so swollen purple, black blue and the healing yellow. She couldn't see, arms broken, soft moaning. Why in the hell do you stay here. In my life I grew to know to well the battles. Hating holidays, loving the alone and quiet time, and missing a connection to anyone.
This is greatness, is this what is required to become great, than I don't want it.
I never wanted a mate, husband, wife, daughter, son, until one day Love came and
knocked on my door.
Drinking madly, at a party, I did not even notice.
Love presented so quietly like a thief, it took my heart and softened my greatness.
I wanted to be a part of but not of this he, she, they , us....
Oh, it was so good, i couldn't get through the day without it
Years passed and he, she, they , us , faded, half a person, one way crying, begging, pleading love me,
HOLD ME,
WANT ME,
L O S S
Confused and dazed walking in what felt like an eternity of confusion.
Is this greatness,
Is this what I longed for, or is this what I fought against.
Some fortunate children are told that they are destined to be something great.
This of course is the hopes of our often misguided parents.
While the truly great one in the family is often overlooked and forgotten.
Discarded with yesterdays trash, and reminded of the terrible mistake they were
Battered with the angry bitterness that their parents hold to their highest esteem,
you were a mistake, you remind me of...
you look like...
you act like...
you will never be nothing, and you will never achieve......
because I SAY SO
The empty words of a broken, angry parent with no ability to love, or pretend to love....
Riddled with illness, they age into the person they don't want to become.
Some of us preserver we become great in spite of the hostility of our world and we
find a solace in our adult lives of endless possibilities. Learning to love and be loved.
We stand in the light that beams warmth, and forgiveness on our faces.
We laugh, we live, and we adventure into the world with vigor and always hopeful
that each day is another chance to live to see the next day as our days are not promised they are just imagined.
Never leave the day as you found it. Make your mark. What ever that mark may be.
But our greatness is always over shadowed with our meager beginnings and the
frustration of that parent who started off as our Demi God..
The Demi God who had the responsibility of loving us, of holding us,
of teaching us to walk with our heads held high in spite of any attacks.
Often people will say you have to forgive them they did not know any better.
To hell with not knowing better.
You knew, because you only chose one of your children.
You were trying to destroy the tree before it gained roots.
God knows what it creates and God knows that you are born to fight even your own
demi God.
I stand today with my branches strong.
Some of my branches are withering because they failed to reach the sun,
but my roots are deep and Greatness is Known.
If you never acknowledge me,
My greatness is known.
My love is kind and I forgive and I live to see another day.
My greatness is known.
It lives in me, throughout me.
It provides shelter from the rain, lightening, and thunder,
But my Greatness is know.
The fire may come and burn me I may have scars left behind but I am resilient.
I recover and begin anew. You cannot take that which is not yours to take and you cannot give that which is not yours to give. Greatness is born into us and when you see it you try to kill it before it stands.
See me now I stand, I am great and you can no longer hurt me with your
bitter words. They do not feed me strange fruit with excuses, and exile.
As Exile was the gift and not the punishment.
My greatness comes from a higher power than a Demi God who withers and grows old.
My Greatness will stand even when i am gone as my seeds will grow deep in the earth and many will follow.
©2011 Stefanie Stevens
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