Wishful Thinking

Do you know how beautiful you are,
crystal eyes,
deep and dark,
mysterious.
Your top lip,
is smaller than your bottom.
Kissable soft.
If you just let me
kiss you. I know you would
like it.

At night I watch you sleep,
listen to your breath.
As your chest heaves up and down.
I can love you in so many ways.
From the top of your head to
the bottom of your feet.
Only if you let me.
Only if you let me touch you,
your soul,
the part of you that you tossed
away.
She damaged you,
she made you loose yourself
in her....

You won't let me get
close to you.
I just want you for just one
moment to feel me....
to know me ....

Stop pretending that
i don't revolt you....
You try to be there with me,
but I know inside your stomach churns.
As I am not her, and I will never be her. ..
You can't go backward, but you are not
moving forward either.

I will eventually become but a bleak memory in
your mind.
I want to love you.
Not just at the time when you
allow me to,
but to love you all of the time.

I want you to love me.
To hold me,
to touch me,
to know that you and I are
the only two.

I know my days are
numbered and its only wishful thinking.
©2011 Stefanie Stevens

Gin and Crystal

Early morning,
smears of blood all over
my cotton white sheets.
Last night I used a crystal
glass, to drink Gin.
I only did it because
the glass was so beautiful,
fine and clear.
It made a beautiful sound when I
rubbed my finger around the edge of the glass.
Silky, smooth, the gin went down
easily.
I am really not a drinker, but
why not with such a fine piece of crystal.
Add a few green olives.

I guess I took myself for granted.
Maybe that type of fine
drinking is for other women,
who are more regal,
more beautiful,
more of more.....
I was drunk, being a half wit,
thinking I could be the woman in
the fine fitted dress, with the red lips, and
sparkles on my wrists.
Sure I made the cut, but
in really fine pieces.

Pieces of shredded
fine glass in my sleep,
cutting me to shreds....
Not deep open wounds,
but long lasting wounds that leave
me knowing, I have been cut.

Disgusted,
drinking, Gin to numb the pain...
I need tweezers to pull out the little shards of glass.
Fine, like little pieces of diamonds.
I can only see the reflections of the glass
without my glasses.
My eyes are filled with tears, running down my face.
This won't kill me but it will make me
stronger.
Teach me a lesson about
crystal.
Never put in your bed,
as its only nice to look at but
not nice to sleep next to.
Its cold,
its hard and it breaks easily.
I shouldn't drink.

If I leave the shreds, just as they are..
They won't kill me...
They may become infected just enough to bother me,
but I will continue to live my life,
in a different way.

I close the gates, lock the door,
and prepare for the change.
Stop seeking and the shreds won't find their way
in your bed, and
you will not drink.

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

Public Affair

Its a very public affair,
if people knew you were real?
You are so soft and sweet,
to me at least.
Kissing you is like a fresh
drip of dew. Refreshing me
daily, minute by minute.
Oh, your love making,
is like strumming a Classic,
Spanish Guitar. Picking...,
stroking, and then strumming.....
I love the rhythum, the beat.......
The song and the dance is only for me
at that moment.
Well matched and perfectly versed.
I can live without the words.
Plumbing, piping, mmmm......
This is for you and
yes,
you and I are having a very public affair.

Its such a public affair.
You have never been seen by the public
eye,
abstract, colorful, mosaic,
magenta, cobalt, cranberry red,
pumpkin orange, eggplant.
Intensity has always been your style.

Preoccupied with every event other than
the very public affair.
Concerned for her, him , and they.

I want you,
for me,
choose me to love, and to hold.
betrayal is not in me,
loyal like your dog with puppies.
One owner only.

I can't worship two Gods,
as I know I will love one,
and hate the other.

I can't plead for your deep
pooling eyes to bestow your
one an only on me.

This is such a public
affair.
It will break me but not
leave me broken.
Because I am open to what is here
and right now.
Our very public affair.

Kiss me,
hold me as I know
tomorrow will be the end.
Your scent, leaves me
alone. Wanting you and
you alone.

Nobody knows
how really public the affair is.
Because they don't know if
you are real....

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

Only for the moment

I grapple with my thoughts,
but only for " a moment".
engulfed with you, tossing and turning.
My thoughts,
your sweet smell and taste remain on me.
I want to hold you and make it better.
I want to love you with no restrictions,
expectations, or ideas of who I want you to be
in relation to me.
Your heavy breathing,
yes, snoring, you said to nudge you.
I would rather enjoy your presense.
Loving you just the way you are.
I know "this" , is only for the moment.
As your spirit is restless,
and there is so much more for you.
Where ever that place may be.
Its not that I am not good enough.
Its that you don't know enough,
not yet,
not until the big lady is singing.
She might even have to dance.
You just are not ready for enough.
I run,
you run,
both going....
different directions.
never to each other.
How I would love to love you
in the same place at the same time.
I miss our long talks,
supple kissable lips,
warm and longing.
I miss you,
grief before the end.
I know "this" is only for the moment
but damn let me enjoy "it"
Only for the moment.
© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

i want to

I want to be free,
to run naked in the rain.
chilling cold drops run down,
my back, down my butt,
to my legs.
Laughing hysterically.
Hair wild, flowing, free.....
I want to do the tango, in a
magenta and black form fitting, shing a ling
dress and black stiletto combat boots.

Roxanne,
itsy bitsy spider,
legs in the air, toss me away,
I land on my feet.
I have but nine lives to live, and no more.....

I want to eat,
chocolate truffles, rolled
in bitter sweet chocolate,
with Heavy whipping cream
warmed with rum.
So rich so creamy.

I want to run through the wild flowers,
singing a happy song,
with sun beaming down on my head.
Warming my skin.
Kissing me like a man who
is soft and warm.

I want to wash in the
water falls,
freezing and cold.
swimming in my nakedness,
under the deep green water.
Washing me of all
my innocence.

I want to fly through the air,
with the cold air waking me,
in the darkness.
Screaming as I fall through the
sky. Knowing that I will land
some were new and fun.

I want to grow
roses, that smell so pungent,
Red, Yellow, Orange Sun Burst.
I want to be .....

What ever,
Who Ever,
When Ever,
I want to.....
© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

Damn Global Warming

What happened to my superman,
the one that is supposed to fly
through the window and save me
from the burning building.
I have third degree burns.
Still can't figure out what
caused the fire.

The man who
is supposed to take me to the movies
and pay; and buy me popcorn.
The superman who,
opens my door when the car comes to a stop.
The man who cares for me
enough to love me without
having conditions.
Don't do this, and don't wear that,
put your hair this way, and paint your
nails like this. My ex- used to be....
She was ....
Why do I care again?????

Oh, did I mention Love!!
my bad.
That does not come any
more because its about you, you , you

There are no supermen
there are only lonely broken hearts
looking for someone to mend them and
move on.

To take;
from you leaving you
wanting and wondering,
what happened.
The music stopped and
you are dancing all alone
in the street.
The street fair in July, has no people, and
you are just standing in the
warm sun,
burning,
because you forgot to put
on Sun Screen.

Maybe,
if you had put on the sunscreen
you wouldn't be writing
about some superman who
does not exist.

Damn
Global Warming.
Burning my ass up
and I am talking about superman.

Now the radiation will contribute
to my follies, and my ideas
of supermen.

I can really do it without him,
but I can't live without Sun Screen.

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

The Dance

You and I dance
A dance that we hide the faceless dreams.
We dance,
to music that only you or I can hear
but never the same rhythm.
You and i dance a fake dance
you love me but are afraid,
I love you and i am afraid.
Do we really love.

Fear is obsession,
it takes over our thoughts and
our ability to do what we please;
fear is implanted in our soul
from our childhood devastations
to our adult critics.

Pretenses,
I love you/not....
you love me/not
we love those who cannot
and will not
reciprocate.

When someone wants to give back
you/me shun them and pretend not
to know what they are saying.

I am blameless in my eyes,
as you are blameless in your eyes.
We are but victims of the dance.

The dance with no music,
the dance with no rhythm,
the dance, that has no steps,
its just the pretense.
My soul feels it your soul feeds
it we are the deaf man dancing
to the beat of a private drum.
yet maintaining a dance with no rhyme or
reason.

Nobody is watching,
nobody cares, only you
and I who are trying are hardest
to do the dance.

We never get the steps
we never cross paths, and
we continue to dance.

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

Chips

Lays,
Ruffles,
Doritos's,
Store Brand,

All salty to the taste,
crunchy,
enjoyable.

Sometimes life is like
a bag of potato chips.
Salty  and crunchy

LOL

S/he cries out

S/he cries out!
Reaching and imploring God
in hopes that a blessing will come
right now.

Pleading the blood that
this to shall pass, and right soon.
But not on my time.

Standing Naked
among my things.
I am bearing my soul to all that
can see.
The only one present
is s/he.

Deep,
warm,
crimson,
feeling angry,
Sad,
haunted,
Will this ever stop,
Will the curse of my past be vanquished,
and I , Me, We, They, US,
BE FREE?

Smearing crimson warm on fractured glass,
splintered:
I am standing without my shoes.
Daring the angry pieces to cut me.
Retaliation for misgivings, and short comings.

Today,
Hours,
Minutes,
Days,
Tomorrow,
Next week,
Past and Future:
Fist balled to the air.
Hot air screaming from the bellows of my gut.
Swearing,
Cursing,
Tears....
Falling as if never ending.
The tears etch in a trail of yesterdays and today's.

I WANT TO BE FREE!

I want to go were I choose, do
what I want, be who I am
and stop being.....
Doing....
For everyone but me.

© 2011 Stefanie Stevens

Without my shoes

Its dark,
I am in a forest,
wondering, Without my shoes.
Foliage, dense and green,
I can smell the trees, and hear the
bugs over my head.
The musty smell of wet dirt
Soft soil mushing between my toes.

Its dark,
Not pitch, but dusk, maybe.
I know were I am.
I am confused as to how I
got here.
In this lush green forest,
filled with its smells,
filled with its sounds,

I am not afraid,
I am just confused;
when I lay down this afternoon.
I was on a hill among a meadow of wild flowers.
waste high In shades of yellow, purple, and orange.
Bee's flying, and flies flying. Ants crawling. This is were
I was when I lay down. I closed my eyes for only one moment.

I close my eyes, darkness, only for a moment.
I am now standing and in a thick green
forest, with tall trees, and rich smells.

Wondering,
through the darkness,
I can't see much but I can smell it all;
I am wondering though the darkness,
with my faith and hope that
all will turn out for the best.

I call to God
I know he hears me,
I know he loves me,
I know he would not leave me if I call to him.

I want so much more than to be
here in this forest in the dark,
without my shoes.

 © 2011 Stefanie Stevens